Remember when you had cooties? Remember when I would kick and scream and BEG mom to NOT make me take you with me places? Remember when I would pick on you relentlessly and be so mean and treat you like you were the biggest nuisance/inconvenience/twerp in all the world? Remember the golf tees? I am so sorry for all that. I was an awful big sister.

Watching Elena and Madeleine lately has given me a completely new perspective on siblings - specifically sisters. Sure, right now Madeleine thinks Elena is pretty cool and can't wait to share her things with her- her toys, her food, her clothes, her stories. But being a big sister, I know that's temporary. I look at Elena and the way she looks at Madeleine and she's only 6 months old but you can see the adoration in her eyes. You can see how much she already looks up to her big sister and thinks she's the coolest thing ever. That's not going to change nearly as quickly and her heart is going to be broken when Madeleine doesn't want her tagging along with her everywhere or doesn't want to share everything she has with her anymore.

We had some pictures taken a few weeks ago and we could not get Elena to look at the camera because she was too busy watching and smiling at Madeleine. Every chance she gets, she's watching her sister, laughing, giggling, reaching out for her. Madeleine can get her to laugh and squeal and giggle and calm down easier than anyone else. It's the most adorable thing I could have ever imagined. And yet it throws the reality of sisterhood in my face.

I hope in twenty-some years Madeleine can make this realization and tell her sister how absolutely damn cool she is and that she could never ask for a better sister and she's so glad they've grown up to be such amazing and close friends.

So thanks, sister, for putting up with me and not hating me for being the big sister that big sisters just sometimes are.

Posted by Kim at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Our day care has the cutest little beds for the babies to take naps. I just had to share.

I just love going in to pick her up and seeing her locked up in these. It looks so cozy and secure and safe. And it's just really stinkin' cute.

Posted by Kim at 3:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

We were having a conversation at work the other day about how time seems to go by so much more quickly as you get older. And then even more quickly once you have kids. And even more quickly with each kid you have. I wouldn't disagree. WHERE did 2009 go? Oh right, I was pregnant and miserable the first half and then in new baby stupor the second half.... So trying to pin anything down at all is a little difficult and yet, I will try.

The 5 biggest events of 2009 for us were - well, wow, this was a really crazy year. Dan's company went crazy and a portion spun off to make a new company giving him an entirely different job. I got a new job after being lucky enough to have 5 months with Madeleine. We moved in to our own place after having been with friends and family for - what some days felt like forever. And, yes, I'm going chronologically and not by importance because of course the best part is having the little monster baby. ()Who totally rocks, by the way.) And the fifth biggest event? We survived. Intact. All still breathing, all still together, all still happy. And looking forward to yet another year. With just a little hope that this year is definitively better than the last two.

There are a few things I am looking forward to this year. While we have no grand plans, no big dreams or life-altering events in the works, there are a few small things that will be nice to see take place. We'll be moving again and oddly enough, yes, I am excited about that. I just wish it were an easy decision as to where. (Yes, it's still in Utah, we're not going anywhere.) I'm looking exceptionally forward to being able to put the baby down and let her do her own thing so I can get things done on occasion. But I am by no means going to rush that. (I often tell myself when she won't stop screaming or won't sleep or won't let me put her down that it will all be gone too soon so enjoy it, funny the difference that makes.) I also look forward to her sleeping schedule getting a little better so maybe I can get a little more sleep. And on that note, the other one's too. Maybe. That could just be a pipe dream. This is also the last year Miss M will be in day care full time. Crazy. And cool. But mostly crazy. I guess, mostly, I'm just looking really forward to moving. Yeah, that's the biggest.

I am not one for resolutions but there are a few things I would like to see myself do this year - a few random goals I guess. I really want to regain control of me and who I am. I feel like I've lost that. The goal really is figuring out how to do that so that I can. Debt reduction, of course. That's the biggest. By no means will one year give us a big stride, but baby steps is all I'm asking. I need to get out more. I have too much anxiety and fear to leave the house anymore and making friends is next to impossible but I have realized that is something that really does matter to me. So my goal is to stop making excuses and just go do it. I'd love to say "blog more" but we all know that would be setting myself up for failure. So instead, I'll make it a bit more broad and say write things down more. And take more pictures. Poor Elena isn't going to have any proof she existed. I need to work on that. Huh, I guess these are resolutions. I just needed to force myself to sit down and think it out.

And since an all text post from me is just pointless when I know most people who read this site anymore just want to see pictures of the stinkin' kids.....

This is how we brought the year in... December 31, 2008 Madeleine fell asleep at 11:55 PM, missed it by minutes:

And this is how it went out... Madeleine so excited, screaming the countdown with her cousins and awake for another hour and a half afterward:

And instead, this time, it was her sister who fell asleep at 11:55 PM after refusing for hours and hours and hours to only last 10 minutes and wake back up ready for more. And, of course, I got distracted on my way to take the picture and so didn't so there aren't any of her first New Year's Eve party. See. I suck. She does exist, I swear.

And this is how my demon-monster-angel-babies spent New Year's Day:

In their jammies. All of us, all day. What better way to bring in a new year than being completely lazy, watching movies and hanging out having a great day!

Posted by Kim at 5:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm not even going to call it an update because I kind of suck. I took next to NO pictures during the month of November and I paid very little attention to remember anything of note. Hmmm... maybe if I would post more often that wouldn't be an issue. Go figure.

But there are some big things about this month. Like, how on the first day of this month I got really, really brave and put her to bed in her own bed in her own room thinking it was useless. Turns out it totally wasn't. How cool is that? She's been in her own room, in her own bed all month. And it's usually fairly easy. It's been crazy. As in CRAZY COOL! Sure, I still end up in there with her and she's not sleeping through the night yet but I have my room and my nights back! Well, mostly. There is that sister of hers...

She's very attentive and has to be looking around all the time. She's not too thrilled about sitting still and doesn't really like you to sit down while you hold her. So that's fun. There's just too much to see in her world I guess. She still smiles all the time and has started to giggle hysterically at times. It's a riot to play with her. Diaper changes and clothes changes that should take only 1 or 2 minutes take at least 10 because she's too much fun to play with. And forget about hurrying to get ready in the mornings if she's awake. She should not be so cute and happy and fun to play with. Really. It would sure save me a whole lot of time.

I've been a lot more daring to venture out with this one. She has a lot more pleasant and mellow a temperament than Madeleine did so my anxiety is a little lessened this time around. Though the idea of taking them both somewhere - alone - still sends me into a panic. And yet I braved Disney on Ice with the two of them to go with my sister and her daughter. They were both surprisingly well behaved. I guess I don't really mind taking them out to things like that, it's the idea of shopping that makes me want to poke my eyes out. Shopping has become a thing of the past. Seriously - I haven't been grocery shopping since my mother-in-law was here. It's pathetic. But other things - like Disney on Ice, the occasional movie, activity-type things, are actually quite enjoyable with the two of them. But tasks. Oh, tasks. I'll pass.

Obviously she had her first Thanksgiving this year but really, can you count it as the "first Thanksgiving" if they can't even eat anything? She spent most of the long weekend crying and not sleeping. Maybe she really likes her routines and what she's familiar and comfortable with. She really did like hanging out with my dad in his big comfy chair though. She'd get situated just right and pass right out. Just in time for her to have to be moved for some reason which would wake her up and piss her off all over again.

I think the saddest part about this month has been that I have had to start seriously supplementing with formula for her. That's been really hard. I beat myself up for a really long time and tried so hard to put it off but then it just became not an option any longer. And, of course, she's still tiny but I swear she is gaining weight much more quickly now that she's actually get some actual food in to her on a regular basis. I'm still breastfeeding when I am with her but I have accepted the fact that I cannot supply nearly enough for her demand. It's extremely frustrating, sad and defeating for me.

She and Madeleine are already awesome buddies. The only time Elena takes steps is when she's going toward Madeleine, otherwise she's content just standing around. And she grins and jabbers to her big sister like she's the coolest thing on earth. And I KNOW that's not going to last so I will eat that up for as long as I possibly can. Well, that part of it may last but the big sister LETTING the little sister do it is another story. (Yeah, I'm a big sister. I know all about that.) I have started having some issues with Madeleine and the "new baby" that I really had expected to see at the beginning that would go away over time. It seems for us though they had to build up. She'll try to push her away from me, or take her off my lap or try to do mean things (thank heavens I've always caught her and they haven't been TOO mean so far). But we've been having all sorts of issues with Madeleine lately. Which breaks my heart. She used to be such a GOOD little girl, so happy and friendly and sweet. Now she's just mean. And can throw a fit like you wouldn't believe. And does! I'm trying really hard to give her some of her very own attention every day but I'm not the greatest mom (some days I wouldn't even say I'm a good mom) and I still get so frustrated and impatient with her, yelling at her and snapping at her and just getting plain angry. It's hard to be patient and consistent when she's throwing such a fit and I've got the baby crying in one arm while trying to deal with the screaming, unreasonable, flailing demon she too often is anymore. I was terrified of the first year with the baby because of the baby, not because of the other child. I had no idea it would be THIS hard. But at the same time, when they're both smiling and we're laughing and playing and being silly, I had no idea it could be THIS rewarding and simply awesome.

Posted by Kim at 5:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Have I mentioned how much I absolutely love this baby?

I slacked for too long and have forgotten most of the things I had wanted to include in this update. It'll be heavy on the pictures.

She started day care this month. She loves it. They love her. I love that they've somehow helped in creating this angel of a child that has replaced the little monster who couldn't be put down without screaming. She is such a happy baby now. Day care has a bouncy seat that moves with her movements, as opposed to the vibrating seats we've had. She loves it. I had decided we needed to just give in and get her one. In some crazy twist of luck, a friend of mine was getting rid of all her baby stuff and happened to have two of the bouncy seats (among many other useful things). I grabbed those right up and life hasn't been the same since. She loves them. She kicks and sets off the lights and music and grins as big as can be, so very proud of herself. It's adorable.

Another part of creating this happy little thing is the fact that she's found her thumb. She can quiet herself down on occasion and that just rocks. I'm not sure how I feel about the thumb-sucking. Sure, it's really stinking cute and serves a great purpose right now but when she's 3 and still sucking her thumb, I don't think it'll be quite as cute. In other words, I'm terrified of how to get her to stop when the time comes.

She had her first Halloween. Madeleine ate Halloween up this year. It was the first year she really "got it" and boy, did she GET IT. She was so excited for it, talked about it for weeks. They did all sorts of Halloween related activities and projects and school and the kid just couldn't get enough of it. She was excited to be Tinkerbell but only after I showed her the costume (I had already bought). She kept talking about being a witch and wanting to be a scary witch. It sounds like the time of me getting to choose what she is is just about up. Hmph.

A side story on that: She kept asking me what I was going to dress up as so one night I told her I would dress up as a bad mom. That stuck in her head for weeks. She was playing with her cousins one day and I was unaware of the conversation they were having at the time but they asked her what she was going to be, she told them, they asked what her mom was going to be, this was when I heard Madeleine mutter something but since I hadn't been paying attention, it meant nothing to me. Then she came up to me and said something else and I wasn't sure what it was she was saying. One of her cousins said, "What are you going to be for Halloween?" I laughed because I then realized what it was Madeleine had said, so I said, "A bad mom." And Madeleine turned around with the biggest nanner-nanner look on her face and said, "SEE! I TOLD YOU!" It was hilarious and adorable. Needless to say, after this Halloween's costume fiasco, I will be dressing up for that kid next year.

The month came and went and was fairly uneventful. We're getting into a bit of a routine, a small bit of a schedule. I still feel like we're drowning in stuff though. Since I have no real time to clean and nowhere to put anything anyway, things end up everywhere since there are two tiny kids with way too much stuff living in a very small space. So once I can get the space we do have cleaned up and un-cluttered, I think life will be great. The girls are awesome, the baby just blows my mind with her complete cuteness and insane smiles. While the three-year old tantrums are nothing I look forward to every day (and we have at least one every day), they're made up for with the adorableness and sweetness she exudes during her good moments.

Posted by Kim at 4:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Mama's Holiday Wish List Meme
TodaysMama and Provo Craft are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I'm sharing this meme with you.

1. What 5 items are on your holiday wish list this year?

• A treadmill - so I can someday maybe fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.
• A Canon Powershot D10 - I've pretty much all but killed the little camera I have
• A rocking chair for Madeleine's room - I had to steal hers to put in the baby's room and Little Miss Monster is not so happy about that.
• A huge gift card for groceries and someone else to go buy them for me - I suddenly hate shopping more than anything in the world
• A peaceful, guilt-free, stress-free holiday season - I know, I'm really funny

2. What is your favorite handmade gift you have received?

Most recently, the scarf from my friend in Virginia. It was completely unexpected and is so soft and comfy. I have received a lot of handmade gifts so it's hard to pick an all-time favorite, but the scarf is my favorite of late. Especially now that I have snow at my house already. Ugh!

3. What handmade gift have you always wanted to tackle?

I have an idea for coordinating quilts for the girls. I don't know how to quilt. I barely know how to sew. But I really want to attempt it someday. And someday soon before they both grow out of the interests.

4. What was the best Christmas gift you received as a child?

I don't remember Christmases as a child very well. I remember the year I got a Cabbage Patch doll - I was so excited. Also, my first CD player when I was a teenager (what? I'm old.). It was beyond unexpected and it was AWESOME!

5. What items are on your kid's wish list this year?

Madeleine and I just had this conversation last night. She wants Santa to bring her a bunny, a bear, and a girl dollie. And "that's all. Just three, Mommy. Nothing else." Wow.

6. What is your favorite holiday food?

Sweet potatoes.

7. What will you be hand-crafting for the holidays?

I can't answer that here. The people I am hand-crafting for read this :)

8. What is your favorite holiday movie?

I am really emotional about holiday stuff so I actually tend to try to avoid it. Maybe It's a Wonderful Life though. I really like that one.

9. Favorite holiday song?

O Holy Night.

10. Favorite holiday pastime?

I love all the time I get to spend with family at the holidays. I think my very favorite is going to Santa's Workshop the day after Thanksgiving with my sister. That was the hardest part about staying in Virginia for Thanksgiving, I didn't get to go do that with her.

Posted by Kim at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

About a month ago, my brother got married down in Moab. A few of weeks before the wedding, he text messaged me and asked if Madeleine would want to be a flower girl. I responded that if he really wanted a demonic 3-year old who doesn't know how to listen in his wedding, I'm sure she'd love it, but I'd take no responsibility for her demon-ness. Which I wasn't at all worried about, she's an angel for everyone in the world BUT her mother.

We set out on a mission to find a black and white dress. Black and white. The most simple, common color combination IN THE WORLD. Except during September apparently. I looked everywhere, I didn't want something so fancy she couldn't wear it again, I didn't want to spend a fortune, and I didn't want it solid half and half (the top black and the bottom white, or vice versa) - those are boring. After checking every store possible and finding nothing that fit the bill, I hit the internet. Of course. I found a few dresses that met all of my expectations. And none of them were available in the size I needed. So I ordered a size up in the only dress that had one available and figured she could just wear a sweater over it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dressy-ish black sweater in September? Harder than finding a black and white dress, I'll tell you!

Turns out, the dress worked perfectly. It was a touch big, but not noticeably. She was so excited to get to be a flower girl in her "fancy dress." We talked endlessly about the job of a flower girl, "drop flowers down a walk way and LISTEN. Listen to what you're told. Do what you're told. Oh - and drop some flowers as you walk down between people. BUT LISTEN!!!" I tried to set her up with some expectation of what she would be doing and she got it pretty well. I was just afraid she'd see all the strange people and freak out a bit. Not at all. She ate it up. I should have figured that. Little diva.

The bride's niece was the other flower girl and they hit it off instantly. All the little kids ran around playing with the flowers and baskets after the ceremony. It was my kid that went around and picked up every flower petal that they dropped. Every single one. That was when they all realized it could be a game, put em in, throw em out. All night long. So it worked out well. She got to wear her fancy dress, throw some flowers on the ground and best of all - she listened to what she was told. Yeah, I'm a little crazy about that...

On a side note, the wedding was wonderful and the reception was perfect. They did a really great job putting everything together. It was outside and the weather was perfect for an evening wedding, perfect time of year. And in all of it, we got an awesome new sister-in-law whom we all adore and look very forward to having in our family. Congratulations Chad and BJ - we love you!!!

Posted by Kim at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A year ago today we packed our entire 3,000 square foot house

Put all of our things in boxes

Packed it all in a car trailer, a truck bed, a CUV and a sports car

And we headed west

This pretty much sums up how Madeleine and I felt about leaving our home and our friends:

She adjusted significantly better than I. I'm getting there. A year later.

Just yesterday, a life time ago, maybe just a vivid dream.

Virginia, and our people there, we miss you.

New jobs. New home. New friends. New baby. New life. New dreams. New goals. New perspective. Whole different world.

Posted by Kim at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A monthly update on just one child is a bit more difficult than I had expected. So at the risk of throwing the universe out of alignment, I'm going to change things up a bit. Conveniently for me, (you know she planned it this way) the itty bitty baby chose to be born on the first of the month. So I'll keep doing the "monthly updates" but they will be for the actual month and for both kids, if not the whole family.

The second month, September, was a bit easier than the first. I could finally put her down on occasion without the screaming. She sleeps big chunks of the night - sometimes - and someday she'll do it in her own room! She's at 9 lbs, 8 oz. but seems so much bigger. I spent the month working from home with her, going in to the office for a bit here and there. I would take her in with me, put her in her sling and wear her at my desk and around the office. It worked out very well. She would sleep and I would feel like I was being productive. Everyone in the office thought it was absolutely adorable that she would just curl up and snore-hum while I worked. She was the novelty of the month. Working while at home was not quite as easy. I didn't leave her in the sling so she didn't do a whole lot of sleeping since she would only sleep while held. But I mastered the art of balancing her on my lap, in my arm or on a pillow on my lap while I worked. I also found a new addiction while I was working at home. Our house is so quiet that I would turn the TV on for background noise. My family is always watching NCIS while I am there and there were a few marathons on while I was at home so I'd turn it to that station - turns out it's not so bad. Needless to say, I'm now an NCIS junkie.

Madeleine was still going to day care those days (hey, if we have to pay for it, she's going!), so it was just the two of us. It was nice. But I was excited to get back to work so that the real world would have some consistency and routine. I loved the time I had at home with her. I could do it for real if that's what was going to be our lives but given that I knew it was temporary and work was back and forth with having to go in at random times, it kind of took its toll. So at the end of the month, I went back to work for real and her Nana came to visit for a couple of weeks to watch her before we put her in day care.

It was amazing how fast the time went. The four weeks of maternity leave flew by in the blink of an eye and then, in one breath, it was like September was over and it had been eight weeks and life had to start again. While it was a little chaotic and annoying running up and down the mountain at random times, it was a nice transition back into the real world. And like I mentioned earlier, the month was easier. She mellowed out a bit and we got the knack of things a little more. Like a semi-predictable feeding and eating schedule, the best way to hold her, how to play with her, how to survive through the night when neither one of us sleeps, how to help the big one get dressed while the little one is eating or being held those kinds of things.

We also discovered a solution to the ear-plugging Madeleine tries to do to drown out her screaming baby sister. In the car, anyway. Our car DVD player came with headphones (she calls them her speakers), so Dan dragged them out and gave them to Madeleine. Now, every time we get in the car, Miss Monster "demands" her speakers be on her head. Hey, it works. One screaming kid is bad enough. Now we just need to figure out a fix for when we're in the house.

I had expected a little more drama from Madeleine in the beginning. It didn't start until the end of this second month. When her Nana got here and started doing things for her that Mommy usually does, I think it occurred to her that Mommy was already not doing nearly as much as she used to and now even less since Nana is helping, so she's been quite the dramatic three-year old with the "I want my Mommy." It may be what I had expected but it certainly is difficult. The feelings of guilt, of frustration, of impatience, of inadequacy, it's hard to cope knowing you're indirectly disappointing your child. And the idea that I am rewarding her with my attention when she just whines and whines drives me absolutely crazy. So I've made a very intentional effort to redirect and try to focus on the positives and the happies and give lots of attention for that before she has the meltdowns. I don't want her learning that misbehaving is the only way to get attention, or the best way. Ha. Good luck, right?

This month has given us lots of firsts - with the baby and as a family. We had her first smile. Which I am putting down for the record books as the weekend we were in Vernal and she was totally flirting with her Uncle Chad. She would grin from ear to ear while he would play with her. He would walk away and she would stop. He would come back and so would the grin. I would say that's pretty deliberate and official. So that was September 12 (yes, that's more for me to be able to remember than for you to care about). And she's been smiling like a crazy person ever since. Seriously, the kid smiles ALL the time. It's adorable. Especially with the dimples.

She went to her first wedding. Stayed in her first hotel room. Took her first "trip" (that wasn't to Vernal). And went to her first National Park. All at the same time. My brother got married in Moab (more on that later - Miss Monster was a flower girl!) so we drove down for the weekend for that. Not only were some of those the first for the baby, they were firsts for Madeleine and I as well. We'd never been to Moab before, we'd never seen any of the arches or anything. That was great to do with my entire family. Madeleine loved it and I had a pretty great time as well. (Not sure about Dan, but he didn't seem completely miserable at any point.) I will post more about that in its own post but I just wanted to note that for Elena, she did pretty stinking awesome on her first trip. I don't count the trips to Vernal because those are just a fact of life, and well, she screams the whole way there every time.

That was another thing we "figured" out - if we want to travel, we have to do it during the day. When we leave for Vernal, it's usually after work on a Friday. Well - that's the time of night she's up and awake and wants interaction and to NOT be stuck in her car seat for three straight hours. So she screams and screams the whole way. We worked it out, traveled to and from Moab during the day and it worked perfectly.

The only other "first" I think is worth mentioning is that she had her first day without Mom during this month. And she was a champ. Much more so than I apparently. I did just fine Madeleine's first day of day care, I went back to work with no problem whatsoever. This time was a little harder. I don't think it helped that in dropping off Madeleine that day, she absolutely melted down and wanted her Mommy worse than ever. That was heart-wrenching given I'd just left the other one for the first time too. But it got better. Kind of. I miss both kids this time around a lot more than I would have imagined. I was always completely comfortable that I worked and Madeleine was in day care all day - she was LEARNING. But now, for some unknown reason, it's harder. I just want the day to end so I can get home to my kids. Even though once I'm home with them, I spend the entire night just trying to get them to quiet down and chill out. I guess you just can't win. That's the story of parenthood. Right?

Posted by Kim at 4:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I saw the doctor on Tuesday and he scheduled an induction date for August 6. It was three days before my due date and the way he talked, he expected to see me Thursday morning - not sooner.

I left the doctor's office reading over the information about induction and started to cry. I didn't want to be induced. It was the pitocin. I was scared to death of the pitocin. Why would I want to voluntarily start contractions - and from everything I've heard, pitocin made them stronger and closer together but doesn't always really help labor go any faster. So I was terrified. I went back and forth for a few days about whether or not I would keep the scheduled induction. Friday afternoon I tried to call his office to cancel but they had already closed for the day so it would have to wait until Monday.

Or not.

Our plan for Saturday was that I would take Madeleine up to my sister's house so we could take the kids to the park for a festival. I had promised Madeleine we would get her face painted again after we had to wash her face so quickly after her last painting. We would hang out up there and then Dan would come up later and we would go to a friend's house for a party that night. But there was a glitch. My sister's kids had caught a nasty bout of the flu a couple days prior. I called that morning to see how everyone was feeling and turns out, she caught it and felt like crap. Being nine months pregnant, she could keep her plague to herself. Her oldest step-daughter had caught it the night before. Her oldest step-daughter is the daughter of the friend whose party we were supposed to go to that night. So both pieces of our plan that day were infected with the plague. We chose to stay home. I knew of another festival much closer to home that we could take Madeleine to for her face-painting. Since we had nothing else going on that day now, it would be a perfect, lazy afternoon.

Around 11:00 I started feeling a little... um... ouch? It didn't last long and then went away. But I paid attention. And about every 20 minutes, I'd have about a minute of ouch. They weren't getting worse, everything about them was completely consistent. So I just ignored it. I took it easy for the day, laid on the couch, played with Madeleine, made some lunch - lazy, easy day. I knew if I said anything, Dan wouldn't let us take Madeleine to the park. So I kept my mouth shut and just paid attention. Just in case. Besides, the doctor's instructions were "Head to the hospital when your contractions are 15 minutes apart and last for a minute each." I was at 20 minutes. I had plenty of time - IF they were even the real thing.

Around 2:00 or so, we took Madeleine over to the park for her face painting. We had to park a little ways from the park and walk over. That was fun. But I still said nothing. We made it to the park and found the face painting booth and got in line. Conveniently, two parties after us in line got to hold the "Closing Now" sign for the booth. We'd made it just in time. There were about 5 parties in front of us so we waited in line, taking turns holding Madeleine because she was being a clingy little monster. Contractions and holding a three-year old monster was not a good combination. Especially since my temperature would go up like a million degrees with each one. I think it was then I finally said something. In passing. Like oh no big deal.

Madeleine got her face painted - you guessed it, like a butterfly. And we headed back to the car. Maybe I would have pushed to wander around a bit more any other day. I think maybe that should have been the first clue. But we headed straight for the car. The tightening and pain level were getting a little worse. But they were still 20 minutes apart. So we headed home.

Madeleine fell asleep on the ride home so we had to carry her upstairs and lay a towel on her bed so she wouldn't get face paint everywhere. Once we laid her down though, she woke right up and naptime was gone. That was around 4:30. She and I hung out and played and just took it easy since I was kinda feeling like crap and I finally came clean that these buggers kinda hurt. But that it wasn't time yet. But maybe I should start paying attention and writing them down to keep track. But I didn't.

Between 6:30 and 7 I gave in. I knew I'd be going to the hospital that night - whether I ended up having a baby or not, who knew? I went downstairs and told Dan that if he wanted to have dinner, we'd better have dinner NOW. We'd planned a steak dinner that night and I had been waiting for it for days so there was no way I was going to skip it. So we made dinner. And I started officially timing and writing down. And there was no consistency whatsoever. A 30 second contraction here followed by a 45 second one 5 minutes later followed by a minute one 20 minutes later followed by a 20 second one 2 minutes later followed by 50 second one 15 minutes later. They were all over the place. But I could still talk and I could still walk. Knowing we'd be heading to the hospital and Madeleine's face butterfly being all smeary, I threw her in the bath tub to wash her off. I changed my clothes. I finished grabbing the few last things for my bag. I took a picture. I changed my clothes again. I started a load of laundry. I went and yelled at Madeleine to "Get out of the tub, we don't have time for this!" At which point I went and yelled at Dan that it was time to go NOW. RIGHT NOW! Poor guy. Wasn't ready at all. So while he took a few minutes (a few damn too many minutes, mind you!) getting ready, I took Madeleine out to the car to try to get her in her seat. She of course refused to listen as I'm doubled-over leaning against the car begging her to JUST GET IN. One of our neighbors a few houses down was outside working on his bike - he's an older teenager - and he noticed me and asked if I was okay. "Yeah, just in labor." Given Dan wasn't out there yet and I was still trying to get Madeleine in her seat, he asked if I needed someone to drive me. So nice! But I responded that no, my husband was just being really slow.

Dan gets outside and starts to get in the car at which point I realize we don't have enough gas to get to the hospital. So I mention that - to which he says, "That's not very responsible of you. Something something something" To which I say, (as I walk around the car having a contraction) - and under any other circumstances would never have said - "Now is NOT the time for a lecture!" I just have to take a second and say go me. That took a lot of balls for me to be that blunt and well - honest - for me and I did it. So yae.

As we were getting in the car, I still wasn't sure if I'd get to the hospital and they'd not send me home. I knew there was a possibility we might get there and it not be time (boy, am I a MORON). I just wanted to be sure I made it in time for the epidural at this point already. After I had spent a few weeks telling myself maybe I want to try without, I'll wait until the last possible second before it's too late again, maybe I can go without (again, I'm a MORON).

We head down the mountain, the gas station about 5 minutes down. I very specifically tell Dan to NOT fill the car, just put in enough gas to get us to the hospital. Yes, that's how bad they were. That's how quickly they were coming. So he does. By the time we reach the bottom of the mountain there is no doubt in my mind I would NOT be coming home tonight. I would grab the hand bar and breathe like hell just trying not to scream bloody murder with each contraction. That were no harder and more painful than hell and really close together. To the point that I was not only sure if I'd make it in time for the epidural but that I'd make it to the hospital at all. I was terrified. And poor Madeleine is in the backseat having no idea what was going on. I tried to stay as calm as possible, didn't really work but I think I did a decent job. I was able to calmly tell her that mommy was okay just hurt a lot because baby sister was coming and we're going to the hospital now. I had talked with her quite a bit about it beforehand - so that at least helped me feel better anyway. The hospital drive is about 20 minutes, though it felt like an hour with every light being red, getting stuck behind the slowest, stupidest drivers in the world, and the 8 trillion bumps in the road.

Dan pulled up to the doors (I had NO idea why he wasn't just parking - just get me IN THERE! then realized, less far for me to try to walk, duh) and stopped so I could just get out and go in and he could park the car and get Madeleine. I wasn't even sure if I could walk let alone stand on my own. But I did. I walked in the doors, that were locked because it's after hours and managed to reach the button. As soon as the nurse said, "Can I help you?" a major contraction hit, I doubled over and all I could mutter out was "Labor!" The doors opened and not two seconds later, a nurse flung the doors open from the stair way and grabbed me to help me to the elevator. The questions started immediately, "Which baby is this?" "TWO!" "How far apart?" "I HAVE NO IDEA! NOT FAR!" And the rest are a blur. We got to the second floor and they sat me in a wheelchair and wheeled me to a room that was way too damn far away (three doors down, maybe!) asking questions the whole way.

We got in to the room and that was it. I'd had it. They were too hard. I couldn't keep any remote piece of composure anymore and I would just scream with each contraction. They had to undress me and put the robe on me, I don't even remember getting on the bed. When I had Madeleine, the contractions were nowhere near this bad or close together when they told me if I didn't do the epidural NOW, it would be too late. So I was panicked. I wanted the damn epidural NOW! Pretty sure it took the anesthesiologist 8 hours to get there. All the while me screaming with each one. They'd tried putting an oxygen mask on me but that sent me panicking and I had to make them take it off so I could even think of trying to breathe at all. Finally we figured out that if I just held it in front of my face, it was much better. All I wanted to know was where the hell the epidural was. Dan and Madeleine got in the room and I only lasted a few seconds before I begged someone to please take her out. I couldn't let her see the fear and pain and HOLY TERROR I was in. She cried, wanted to stay with Mommy, and I lost it (as I am even doing now just as I type it) - the tears came. I knew that was it. She wasn't the only one anymore. I was never going to be just hers again and I would never be able to dote on only her. She very hesitantly went out with the nurse, not upset, not screaming but just little, quiet tears as she walked away watching me. Thank God the physical pain was so bad. I could focus on it instead. And it was bad.

FINALLY the drugman showed up. After what seemed like another 800 years (seriously, my last epidural took a matter of seconds, this guy took his time!), I had the drugs and it was just a matter of time before I could survive again. The contractions had been unbelievable. I didn't remember them being so bad the first time around. But then again, I had a little more time to gradually work my way in to the hard ones last time around. These just hit me out of nowhere.

Once the epidural took effect, I was able to let them bring Madeleine back in. So she came in and asked all sorts of questions and talked to me and was so very timid. She was calm and very friendly with the nurses. She was only in there a couple of minutes before they needed to check me again. So I had them send her back out with Dan. I was at a 9 and pretty much ready to go. Just as they were finishing up, Dan brought Madeleine back in to say goodbye because my brother-in-law was there to take her home.

The doctor kept talking to me about breaking my water and having a baby and I kept begging "no!" because the last time my water was broken it hurt like hell AND that meant the pushing part was right around the corner. I had the epidural, life had just gotten tolerable again and now they want to rush me along to the worst part ever??? So the doctor's response was, "Well I can just go home for a while and come back later if you want to wait. Or we can just get it over with already." Oh sure. Put it like that. So they broke my water - which didn't hurt even one bit this time. Wish I would have known that, I wouldn't have wasted the minutes arguing and whining about it! About ten minutes later, it was time to push. He'd asked if I needed the crash course on pushing again and I said yes because "I'm not so good at the pushing part. Well, the not screaming part. I'm really, really bad with the not screaming part." He and the nurse put the fear of God in me about screaming. And after last time, having screamed way too much and taking forever to get that baby out, I think I had it figured out.

After about twenty minutes of pushing, and no screaming!!!!!, a slimy, covered, nasty little beautiful, gorgeous baby girl was placed on my chest, screaming her little lungs out. I wasn't expecting that part. Nobody told me about that part. Last time, they immediately took the baby away, I didn't know that in normal circumstances, that's not what they do. I would have liked to have expected that because it kind of freaked me out. Yes, I quickly got over it and then they wrapped her up and whisked her away. It was 11:11 PM and I had barely been at the hospital for two hours. I was dilated to a 5 when I got there, by the time Dan and Madeleine had come in from parking the car, I was to a 7. It all happened so very quickly that it was a complete blur (which is exactly why I should have written this two months ago!).

I was very worried for the longest time that I wouldn't take to this baby as easily, that it would just be another baby to go the rounds with. I was completely taken aback by how quickly I fell in love with her. I was pretty sure the guilt from adding a sibling for Madeleine was going to make me distant and just go through the motions, I am sure every parent feels that way. I was so relieved that it wasn't that way at all. She was beautiful and adorable and mine and I didn't feel one bit guilty for it at all. (No, that would all come later.)

And since I have waited two months to finally write this up, I can add that Madeleine STILL talks about how "Mommy went to the hospital and breathed (she'll do the breathing here) and had a thing on her face and the doctor and baby sister" .... And it's the cutest story ever told. Maybe I should have just let her tell it.

Posted by Kim at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)