Lost in Place

Yesterday I took the baby to a Well Baby class at work. It was one about baby toys - what’s popular, what’s good, blah blah. There were a couple of other younger babies there but she was the oldest and the only girl. Since she was older, she had a few more tricks up her sleeves than the new, little guys could have. And boy, did she use them. She was a big hit with everyone. We walked in and she started grinning and babbling and flirting with everyone. Of course, she just had to interject not-so-tiny cute baby noises at the least appropriate times so she got quite a few chuckles. Then she got the hiccups and there’s no stopping the laughs once those start. They lasted a good twenty minutes and hers are not quiet, little, wimpy hiccups. Everyone got a kick out of that. I was kind of surprised with how good she really was. I expected her to make me have to get up and leave with her because she'd cry and cry. She fussed a tiny bit when she got sleepy about half-way through but then passed out and slept the rest of the time. It was nice going to a class like that with new moms – the reassurance that I’m not alone in the chaos that is new motherhood. It was also reassuring to know I’m really not doing everything wrong. There are days that I am certain I am and that I am just not cut out for this stuff. Days like yesterday, seeing that I am actually doing some things right, are very helpful in getting me through all this. It was really great seeing her not shy away from strangers yet. I’m sure that will happen to some degree eventually but for now she’s a pretty decent people person. And she just loves the attention… She is her mother’s daughter (even if you could never tell by looking at her).

Updated to add: No, her hair is not that red. Her hair isn't red. At all. I don't know why it shows up so very red in some pictures. It's really the color of mine. Not that red would be bad, but it's not really what she looks like.

Posted by Kim at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I watched one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen tonight. I can't even process it. Tonight's episode of Criminal Minds freaked me out on so very many levels. Some people are sick and wrong and I cannot believe the things they are capable of.

All my life I have been very sensitive to TV shows or movies or anything - fact or fiction - showing harm (or even possible harm) come to a child or an animal. It's the only thing I really cannot handle. Watching scary movies or violence, all I can think is "don't hurt the kids" or "I hope the puppy is okay." Pathetic really, but I never could have guessed how intensified that feeling would be when I finally had a child of my own. (Yes, even having dogs of my own increased that feeling for animals, I should've seen it coming with a kid.) I know I can't live a life of paranoia but good hell! How can one not? Sure, the show tonight was fiction but the stories, the concepts, ideas, topics - ugh - they're so real. And so discouraging and disappointing and disenchanting of the human race.

I think a small bit of paranoia can be healthy, just being conscious of what's out there - you know, the saying "better safe than sorry." I know not all people are bad and I am sure, on the whole, most people are good people. I know I need to look for and find the good in people. And I do. But that doesn't mean I don't acknowledge the bad out there.

I just hope I can raise my child to be a good person and to see the good in people ... and not trust a damn one of 'em.

Posted by Kim at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

She had been sleeping in her own little bed and only kind of waking up four or five times a night. I’d put her pacifier back in her mouth and she would fall right back to sleep. I was getting so excited – could she finally be catching on? I thought I’d been dreaming the other night when she went to sleep at 11:30 and didn’t wake up until 6 the next morning. Of course, I just had to go and acknowledge this. Because now? We’re right back to square one. She’s waking up wanting to eat four or five times a night, won’t sleep in her little bed – hell, won’t sleep period. She’s hardly napping during the day. She isn’t even grouchy most of the time she’s up - she’s just up. And wanting attention – lots and lots of attention. Right now she’s sitting here on my lap, wide-eyed, cooing up a storm and sucking on my arms when a week ago she would have been fast asleep and down for the long stretch of the night in about twenty minutes. Oh no. Not anymore. So making dinner, trying to get her bottles washed and getting things ready for the next day are next to impossible. Oh and going to sleep at a decent hour? Ha. She laughs in my face! Well, smiles really big anyway – she hasn’t quite mastered that laughing thing yet.

Posted by Kim at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Madeleine made a new friend this week when our friend Chris came down from NYC to visit. He stayed with us for a couple of days and she was really pretty tolerable while he was here (unlike when she went to Utah). I guess that means she likes her new buddy. We took her down to DC with us to go meet him. She did really well outside for the afternoon while we did a little sight-seeing. She really likes to be outside so far. That probably won't last much longer since it's already starting to get pretty cold.

Posted by Kim at 1:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I never watched a lot of TV growing up - hardly any ever. And then, one fine May evening in 1995, I caught the last 5 minutes of the season finale of a show that hooked me. I had to see what happened. So that following fall, I planted myself in front of the TV for the season premiere – just to see how that one storyline played out. But that was all it took – I was hooked and the rest is X-Files history. It started out as just the X-Files but over time it seeped over to a few other shows. And then last year? Oh hell – last year… I didn’t have enough TiVo power to watch everything I had on my “must-watch-this-year” list. Thankfully I scaled back farther and farther as the year went on. So this season I’m a little torn. I don’t want to watch so much TV but at the same time, I’m trapped in chair with a baby plastered to me most of the time and because of this trapped at home in general so why not have something semi-amusing to entertain myself? So here’s my rundown, my addiction, if you will:

Mondays
How I Met Your Mother. I really, really tried to give this up. I deliberately deleted it off the list after the finale last season. It was a very thoroughly thought-out decision. Then I noticed Monday night that it was the season premiere and I just had to see what the hell happened with Lily so I watched…. Dammit, it’s back on the list. Temporarily.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I thought I might try this for a few episodes. It’s one of two shows I might add to my existing list. (Much better than the, I don’t know – ten last year.) After the pilot episode - if they can keep that energy and pace in each episode - well, it just might bump a few of my favorite shows down a notch or two. I was very impressed with the pilot. The shows seems very well-written so far and I really like the sarcasm.

Tuesdays
Gilmore Girls. I’m not sure how long I will stick with this one. I missed the second half of last season for some unknown devil-possessed-my-TiVo reason and now that the team who created the show are no longer with it, I just don’t know that I have the interest. Hopefully it’s still very well written because that’s what this show has had going for it from the beginning.
Veronica Mars. I always say I’m not going to stick with this show, that it’s only okay. Then I watch a new episode and am sucked back in. It is only okay, but Kristen Bell is just too damn cute. And I love her relationship with her dad, so we’ll see how long I last with this one.

Wednesdays
Bones. Mmmmm… David… Oh, there’s more to this show? I’m kidding. I admit I did start watching it because David Boreanaz is in it but after the first few episodes, I realized the entire concept is right up my alley. And hello - anyone who tries telling me Bones is not the exact personality type of my husband – well, they’re not from this planet. I really like the writing on this show too. And how they all keep trying to make Bones more human. And how Bones always says, “I don’t know what that means.” Cuz that part? That part is totally me. Oh – and any show that mentions the X-Files in it’s first episode? Yeah – it’s an obligation.
Criminal Minds. This is another show that’s right up my alley but also another show that I keep thinking I won’t stick with because it’s only okay but then I watch an episode and it’s suddenly my new favorite show. It’s fascinating subject matter to me and it’s fairly well-written. Dr. Reid, of course, is my favorite – how so many things have to be explained to him and yet he knows everything. (If you watched these shows you’d see a theme in the characters I like the most. That’s so disturbing.)

Thursdays
CSI. I never thought I’d say it about this show since it’s the show that has kept me watching TV at all since the X-Files ended but I don’t know how much longer I can be loyal to this one. After last season’s finale, I just don’t think we’re going in the same direction anymore. It will be a sad break-up; hopefully an avoidable one but I am doubting that right now. I’ll have a better idea of that tomorrow.
Grey’s Anatomy. (Stupid sister!) I had enough damn TV already! And then she goes and gets me all addicted to McDreamy and Meredith and then there’s Sandra Oh (which was why I watched a few episodes before not watching and then my stinkin’ sister dragged me back in). And never, in the history of ever, have I cried so hard at a season finale as I did at this one last year. Nope, not even the X-Files. Or Buffy. Or Angel. This one had me sobbing like a baby. Leave animals out of it, dammit. Anyway – yes, this one also is teetering dependant on the direction they choose to take a major storyline this season.
Shark. This is the second addition to for the new season that I am not sure I’ll get to watch. My TiVo can only do so much. If I remember tonight, I’ll watch it and see if I can’t determine if it’s worth making an effort or not. But James Woods is originally from my hometown so how can I not be supportive? C’mon!

Fridays
Numb3rs. Betcha can’t guess who got us watching this show? But I’m glad he did, it’s very good. It’s probably the only show we’ll watch together now so it’s a good thing I like it. And it never ceases to freak me out that brilliant Charlie Epps was geeky Joel in Addams Family Values.

Please note (DAN!): not one mention of Law & Order - or any derivative thereof - was made. (So here it is, geeze!) SVU is on myTiVo list and I will try. Since having a baby, I have a really hard time with this show. So it's a come and go as I feel like it thing.

There are many other shows that look so good and I love when I watch episodes (or parts of episodes) of but really - did you just see that list? That is way too much TV. I would love to have had House or Lost or 24 (but kind of not really!) on that list but I've got to work on scaling it back, not extending it.

So, yeah, if anyone ever doubted I needed a life before, here’s definitive proof. ...And I can multi-task – the TV is mostly on for background noise while I do other things anyway.

Eek! If you look at the characters in the shows I watch, one thing is abundantly clear – I’m such a dork. When will I stop attaching myself to the detached, geeky, way-too-smart-for-their-own-damn-good type things? Geeze.

Oh! And Scrubs when it comes back in the winter.

Posted by Kim at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

But I don't wanna wear this stupid bonnet. Hmph!

Posted by Kim at 10:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dan and I are really big Zach Braff fans so we follow all of the projects that he does. His most recent, “The Last Kiss,” is no exception. I have to admit though, I really kind of wanted it to be. Dan was looking really forward to seeing it, but me - not so much. He suckered me into it on Sunday and while I really had a hard time with it, I didn’t hate it like I thought I would. So much of the movie was very personal and very real to me. I spent a few hours reading reviews the night before we saw it trying to talk Dan out of seeing it. The majority of the reviews were really kind of down on the movie - that it was so depressing, to avoid seeing it “unless you think all relationships (especially marriages) suck,” that it gave a very dim outlook on relationships. So of course I bought into that and fought like hell to not have to go. I think the reviews were wrong. I think it gave a very real outlook on relationships. And, no, I’m not a pessimist who thinks relationships suck. It covered many different kinds of relationships - at different stages. Almost every one of them was relatable. Simply put, it just showed how they’re not easy, how they have to be worked on and in a constant state of up-keep to make them last. And really, I think if it were easy, we’d get bored quickly and have nothing worth fighting for. I think to have something, someone, worth fighting for makes a difference. I have yet to meet anyone in the perfect relationship that doesn’t have real problems and real issues. Sure, they may not be on the brink of divorce types of issues, but no relationship is without flaw. Yeah, it was a real relationship-downer because each one was in a different state of falling all-the-hell apart. But, and it’s quite possible that it’s just because I am a pathetic romantic-optimist, to see the way things worked out - that things were working out one way or another – left me without the bitter taste I had expected to have going in. To be able to think, at the end, “Just open the door, it can someday be okay again,” well, I think that’s hope. And any movie that ends with hope is okay in my book. And it had Zach Braff… C’mon!

Posted by Kim at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

She's three months old and her "newborn" clothes don't fit her anymore. (I know, go figure.) It has just recently happened but it seems it happened overnight. I put her in her pajamas tonight, knowing they were a little small, but oh the sadness of how small they are. They used to go down to her ankles. Now, they barely snap up around her thighs. And I can't get the middle snaps done up around her diaper. She, of course, doesn't care - which is good because the jammies that do fit her are in the wash. But sadly, after this wear, these will start the pile of "too small - move on, Mom."

Posted by Kim at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

By no fault of hers, this has been the hardest month so far. She went from quiet, mellow baby who loves everyone to screaming banshee of terror who wants everyone in the world to explode.

She hates being in her car seat and going anywhere. It doesn’t matter how little time she has to spend in it - she simply wants it to vaporize. Car rides with her have become quite the challenge. Too bad it’s illegal to drive with earplugs. I thought babies were supposed to like car rides? Mine’s defective. But, oh, is she cute and funny!

She figured out how to smile about mid-month and when she’s not screaming, she is grinning ear to ear. She loves watching the ceiling fans, especially when they’re not on. Anything really shiny can hold her attention indefinitely. We put her mobile on her changing table and I don’t think anything makes her happier than hanging out watching her little toys spin in circles. She’s working on a laugh but isn’t quite there yet. Though I suspect that when she gets it, it will come out over sheer delight at her little twirling buddies.

She doesn’t sleep. She’s a little better about sleeping a bit at night, but I really mean the child does not sleep. She’ll take tiny little catnaps throughout the day but not very many of them and they never last long. Everything I’ve ever been told is that babies sleep. A lot. Even at this age, I really believe other babies sleep more than she does. She’s awake all day and then wants to stay up all night as well. Doesn't matter where we put her to sleep, she doesn't want to do it. We took her home to Utah a few weeks ago and she ended up with the car seat we have for her there as her bed. How I long for that car seat… she actually slept in it. The last night we were there, we had to wake her up to go to the airport. If we hadn't, I think she may have slept through the night for the first time ever. Even if we put her in that car seat still awake, she would hang out no problem and then doze off every now and again. If only we could do that here. We can’t put her down anymore. Wait. Let me back up. I can’t put her down anymore. She has become a serious momma’s girl since Utah. She got sick while she was there and I was the only person constantly with her, not that I have any clue whatsoever, but I think that might have something to do with it.

She’s grown out of a few outfits already. Her newborn sized clothes are just a bit too short for her now. We’re actually going to have to start putting things away. That and it’s cold already and all of her up to three months clothes are summer clothes. How in the world do you decide which things to keep, which to give away, which to hold on to for other kids of your own (IF you ever have them: Family, do NOT read into that!), which to hold on to for possible nieces? I have no idea. I just know it’s going to be so very sad to not have some of those outfits anymore cuz they’re just so darn cute on her!

She’s getting more and more responsive to the things going on around her. She has a little play mat that she loves to lay on and stare at. She loves to actually be played with and thinks the dumber you act, the cooler you are. (I’ve been trying to convince Dan this is why she’s really attached to me – I’m the only one who will be completely stupid and idiotic with her.) She just gets more and more fun. I look forward to every new day to see what she will come up with next.

Random things I’ve learned during the third month:

-Never go anywhere without at least *two* changes of clothes.
-There really is an end to endless poopy diapers.
-You really don’t get tired of hearing how beautiful she is.
-Taking a baby on an airplane - to a new state - across the country - with a completely different climate - and a completely different altitude - to meet a whole bunch of people - everyday - for lots of days - being the only person who is with her non-stop – leaves you with a baby that will not let you leave her sight. At all. Ever. She won’t even go to sleep because she thinks you might, just might, leave the room for a split second.
-The first baby smile melts your heart.
-So does absolutely every single smile after that.
-Not even at 4:00 in the morning are baby coos and happy noises anything but adorable.
-One challenge gets resolved just to bring on a new set of them.
-New challenges will never, ever cease to exist. And each challenge will seem more difficult than the previous.
-Babies are mini-celebrities. Everyone wants to know all about them and then tell you how great they are.
-Nothing is more important than loving, supportive family.

Posted by Kim at 12:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When I was three or four, living in Germany, my parents had to go away for a night and they left me with some family friends. There were a bunch of kids who were sleeping at their house that night, I don’t remember why. I do, however, remember sleeping in a room with large holes in the ceiling. The kids who lived at the house were slightly older and spent the night telling me that when I fell asleep, the giants who lived in the ceiling would come down and eat me. (This paired with my parents telling me that if I didn’t go to sleep, the big dogs from upstairs would come down and eat me – no wonder I have sleep issues!) I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I remember this. I was itty-bitty, of course I believed and trusted the older, cool kids.

So when, a few weeks after having the baby, the ceiling started leaking and the plumber came to fix it and cut a big hole in the ceiling and just left it that way… I was not a happy camper. Yes, I’m 31 years old. Yes, looking at the large, gaping hole in my ceiling makes me wonder when the giants will be coming. (And the spiders, but that’s another issue altogether.) We’ve been meaning to get a dry-waller in here to patch it up but it’s been one thing after another and a major case of procrastination. But since we’re really wanting to sell the house, and soon, I really need to get it fixed.

My giant portal:

Tomorrow. I’ll call the dry-waller tomorrow. Really.

Posted by Kim at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If I have to listen to the songs one more time...........

But she loves it so I'm stuck.

Posted by Kim at 5:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I recognize that I am really very lucky – I have a very good baby. I was terrified I would end up with a demon child creating one breakdown after another. While I do call her a demon often, I am the first to admit how really good she is. I’ve had many people tell me that aside from her sleeping habits, she’s really pretty perfect. So with that said, this “angel” has me trapped in the house. I can’t take her anywhere with me because she hates being in the car. And once we get anywhere she wants to eat at the most inopportune times and screams until she’s fed. I can’t leave her at home because all she does is scream and Dan can’t ever get her to calm down. So I’m stuck. I can't go anywhere anymore. She’s lucky she’s so darn cute.

Posted by Kim at 9:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yep, that would be me. I started this site a couple incarnations ago - a couple years ago - to keep my family and friends in the loop of my life after moving across the country from them. As you can tell, it's not been very well utilized for that - or much else. Then I got pregnant and thought I could use it to share the "joys" of pregnancy once we told everyone. But by the time everyone was told, well - it was too late. And THEN I thought that having the baby would give me some serious motivation to use it. Obviously not so much. I procrastinate. I am non-committal. I am never satisfied with anything I do so if I can't do it perfectly, I'll well - procrastinate or just not do it. And mostly, I am just boring. I do nothing with my days but get up, go to work, come home, feed baby and go to bed. And the only difference between now and pre-baby is that I wasn't feeding a baby in that very boring routine. And who wants to hear about that?

I'm making some changes; making some commitments, things I am going to stick to; actually trying to find some structure and some "life" in this life of mine. So I'm going to dig really deep because by-golly-gee, I WILL use this website.

...Says the girl who can't commit to anything in the world.

Posted by Kim at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I missed 11 weeks since we were flying to Utah. I'd post the picture I took that day, but she doesn't really look any different. So here's week 12:

Posted by Kim at 11:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Li'l Miss M with Aunt Baboon

Li’l Miss M with her cousin Christian

Li'l Miss M with Uncle Marcus

Li’l Miss M with Uncle Chad

Li’l Miss M with Aunt Gayla

Li’l Miss M with Uncle Jacob

Li’l Miss M with Aunt Amber

Li’l Miss M with Nana Bananas

Li’l Miss M with Papa

Li’l Miss M with Nana Diana

Li’l Miss M with Aunt Kelly

Li’l Miss M with cousins

Li’l Miss M with Grampy Dan

Li’l Miss M with Grammie Baxteen

Li’l Miss M with her great grandma

Li’l Miss M with Mommy’s friend Kim

And last but not least,

Li’l Miss M with the coolest Daddy in the land

Li’l Miss M with Mommy

Posted by Kim at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We planned a big surprise for Nana Bananas and Papa for weeks. It worked out perfectly.

We took the baby home to meet her other grandparents (Dan’s parents had been out here already) as a surprise for my mom and dad. They didn’t think they were going to get to see her until Thanksgiving or Christmas. My sister and I plotted for weeks how to pull it off without them having any idea. Dan, the baby and I flew to Utah on Wednesday night and then drove to Vernal Thursday morning. Monica and I walked into my mom’s office and just said “Hi! How are yah?” She was so surprised. It was great. Then we took her to my parents’ house to surprise my dad. They were both so happy to get to see her before she was five or six months old.

I was very worried about the plane ride with her. I was sure she would scream the whole way. She was very good both ways. One guy on a flight even commented on how she was such an angel. If he only knew… If she wasn’t asleep in Utah, she was crying. She was completely miserable. The climate and the altitude are so different from what she is use to and we think she might be allergic to cats. Once we left Vernal she got progressively better and more tolerable (hehehe) each day. The best part, though – she actually slept, not only all by herself but for very long periods at night. (Which, of course, stopped as soon as we got home.) She got to meet lots more of her family which was great. They all loved her even though she cried when they just looked at her.

Posted by Kim at 10:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)