Lost in Place

Posted by Kim at 3:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There have been a number of things I've wanted to post about the past few days, but instead, I have just one word:

MIGRAINE.

And absolutely no sleep what.so.ever.

So I guess, technically, I have eight words.

And now pictures because I have no more words*:

**

* Okay, so I have a few. It had JUST barely melted from the last storm we had and we woke up to this on Sunday. Sure, it's mostly gone now but still! Where's Spring?

** These bushes usually come right up against the windows.

Posted by Kim at 7:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yeah, so my list is really a mile long... I’m only addressing one today.

At some point along the drive home at nights, I completely panic and think, “Oh shit! Did we stop at day care? Did we get the baby?” I am certain one of these days we’re going to get half way home and realize we never stopped to pick up the baby. I am still constantly catching myself thinking, “Do I have the baby now? Should I have the baby now? Where is the baby supposed to be?” At work I have moments my head feels like it’s going to cave in from fear thinking she’s sitting in the car because I forgot to drop her off.

I thought I’d be used to this by now. Does it ever go away?

Posted by Kim at 11:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I joined a mom meet-up group a little while ago and we had an event today where a lady who didn’t have kids was talking to us. After the event, the other moms went downstairs with their kids and since mine was at day care, the lady walked downstairs with me and quizzed me up on the whole concept of having kids. She had asked a few initial questions of a few of us and apparently my answers struck her as being the most similar to where she was in her head. She asked a number of questions from “Isn’t it scary?” to “Is it really THAT cool?” But the question that struck me the most, the one that made me just blankly stare at her with ARE YOU MAD??? all over my face was, “When do things go back to normal?”

Uhhh… They don’t? A child? What the HELL is normal??

Of course I stopped with the first statement. And really, I don’t think they do ever go back to “normal.” And I’m not saying that as a bad thing. I think you create a new normal. A new way of life that works for the chaos that has become life with a child. But then again, I’ve never had a normal life – so what the hell do I know??

And on a barely related at all note…

So many people talk about not knowing what they ever did before they had kids. They say it in a sense that they just don’t have time for anything else now and things they did in the past just took a back seat to spending time with the kids. At least, that’s how I’ve always understood it when I’ve heard people say that. But I was thinking about it the other day and I truly do not have any idea what I used to do with my time before the baby. I don’t know if my mind is trying to block it out so I don’t feel so bad but I think about it and my brain just shuts down. There’s nothing there. Sure, I had TV shows then too but I KNOW I didn’t watch that much TV. And even if I did, I have always done something else while it was on. But what? I cannot remember. It might have something to do with my life being in boxes downstairs and maybe the things I did are down there and have been packed up for so long I don’t remember. Or maybe I just spent so much time cleaning and organizing that now that everything is organized and all has to stay clean, I’m left with nothing. But I know there was more. What am I missing? (Besides my mind.)

I’m to the point now where I actually, occasionally, get a few minutes to do something that is mine – while she plays with her toys on the floor or takes a real nap (hey – it happens… sometimes). But I don’t know what that is now. The hobbies I know I had before moving out here just don’t hold the same interest to me now. What filled the gap between moving and baby? Am I really that boring? I’ve been on the hunt for productive things to do to occupy my time and I’m coming up short. I need a life.

Posted by Kim at 4:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ummm…. Where’d my baby go? And more importantly – Where the heck did this kid come from?

She’s not mobile yet. No crawling, or scooting really. She can turn herself in circles and of course roll everywhere. But no forward or backward motion. In all of my reading and talking to other moms, I can’t decide if I should be bothered by that or just remember that all kids develop differently. I’m going for the latter until we get her in for her next pediatrician appointment at least. That’s not to say I can put her down in one place and expect her to still be there even ten seconds later. Oh no. I actually have to pay attention to where I leave the baby now.

The other day I was playing with her as she sat on the couch and I realized that she looks more like a little kid now than a baby at all. Every day brings a new trick, a new game, a new way of showing how independent she thinks she is. She has so many things that she does now. 8 months old and already has OCD, I tell yah! Every time we walk up the stairs, she HAS to touch the knob on the banister. When we leave a room, if we pass a light switch – she MUST touch it. And if she happens to turn off the light? Well we’re stuck there turning on and off the lights until she bores of it.

I taught her a terrible trick that is really cute and funny and never in a million years did I think she’d actually be able to pay attention enough to do it on her own. When she’s sitting at the edge of the bed or the couch (hello! she’s on the EDGE, of COURSE I’m RIGHT THERE!), she’ll throw herself off for me to catch her. She thinks it’s so fun and will do it over and over and over again. If I don’t put her close enough to the edge that she can just fall forward to fall off, she’ll actually push herself to the edge so she can. It’s very cute. Until I’m not paying enough attention and she does it when I don’t have my arms up and ready. I know these things happen. They happen to everyone. That certainly doesn’t mean I won’t try to prolong the inevitable though.

Another game she’s learned – one that she actually taught me – is bouncing down the stairs. If I go down the stairs at a decent pace with her in my arms, it bounces her. (It’s only the last few stairs. I hate my stairs. They’re slippery.) A few weeks ago I noticed that every time I did it, she would open her mouth in a really wide grin and grab on to my shoulder. So we do it every time we go down the stairs. Sometimes when I’m not even paying attention and just walking down the stairs. I get to “that stair” and she’ll look at me and open her mouth and grab on to my shoulder. She’s ready to bounce. Other times, I’ll get to her stair and tell her “get ready” and she’ll grab on and open her mouth and down we go. It’s hilarious.

She loves to play “Where’s the baby?” It’s not so much Peek-A-Boo as it is “hide the baby under a blanket and let her claw her way out.” When I make the beds, I sit her on it and I put the blankets up over her. She flails and kicks while I say “Where’s the baby?” Then I pull up the blanket and she grins and giggles. We do it with her clothes and her blankets and anything that will cover her. She loves it. She does play Peek-A-Boo in the curtains though. She loves that. But only when SHE gets to run the curtains – keep your hands off! DUH!

Curtains…. Oh my. This child spends more time looking out the windows than probably anything else she does. And if it keeps her happy, I’m more than happy to stand there with her. Yes, fingerprints on the windows and all. She’ll put her hands on the windows, play with the locks, if she sees people outside she’ll jabber up a storm. If there are curtains on the window – she’s in heaven. She’ll pull on them and play Peek-A-Boo with them and put them in her mouth and yank and twist and attack and giggle.

She does giggle now. Sometimes. A little. She’s still not a big laugher. She’s more of the “I’ll be hyper as hell to let you know I’m happy” type. Every once in a while you can get a big laugh out of her though and it’s the funniest thing. There’s really nothing that she will consistently laugh at but there are enough things that certainly amuse her to death each and every time. She had this spitting thing she would do with her lips. She would do it at you and then smile and giggle. For a few days if you’d do it at her, you were guaranteed a giggle. A big one. But it, like so many other amusing things, didn’t last.

A few weeks ago, we picked her up at day care and she was dangling her legs back and forth while the lady held her. Now every time she’s held to anyone’s side, she dangles her legs. It’s very cute because you can tell it’s not something she even thinks about, she just does it. So that’s lasted a little while at least.

The other thing that has lasted forever and longer is this nasty cold. She’s spent the majority of this past month with one cold or another. She caught one about a week ago that sent us to the emergency clinic hours to see the doctor. Her cough was terrible and you could tell she was miserable. (Which, oddly enough, while sick as can be, hungry and tired, waiting for the doctor, she had the biggest giggle fit EVER. She laughed for probably five minutes straight because I would tell her “no” when she would try to rip the paper on the bed. Apparently it was HILARIOUS! She certainly was.) It seemed like half the town was in there that day with sick kids and luckily, she was no sicker than the rest of them. She does still have the cough and is a bit congested so she can’t sleep at all. But, hey, what’s new, y’know?

She’s getting to the point that not only is she interactive, she will initiate it. She loves to just sit and play or lie in bed and play as long as you’re right there to play with her. Walk away – even for a second – and all you get is shrieking and shrieking and more shrieking. Oh and likely some whimpering. But as long as she knows she has your attention, oh she’s an angel. (Yes, she knows how to work her parents already.)

She knows when she’s doing something that should get a response, she also knows when she’s doing something she shouldn’t be doing. You can see the conniving little glint in her eye as she reaches for the remote and starts pushing buttons. She’s grabbing absolutely everything. If it’s within her reach, it goes in her hands. And if it goes in her hands, it’s immediately put to her mouth. And if she can’t reach it, she’ll throw her body toward it TO reach it - whether you’re paying attention or not. Anything we walk past, she has to touch and in her mind, you really have to let her.

Random Things I’ve Learned During the Eighth Month:

-The only thing worse than being sick is watching your baby be sick. Not being able to do anything about it but listen to the hacking up of lungs, the air not going in through the nose at all, the whining and the moaning that is baby for “please, Mom, make it stop, it hurts.”
-Who needs baby toys when there are remotes and cell phones and cameras and computers to play with?
-Even when they’re not mobile, they can get into everything.
-Sick babies are all too often NOT happy babies.
-Who knew so much amusement could come from something so small and non-deliberate?
-Watching a baby eat something solid for the first – oh, I dunno – fifty times is SO FUNNY! (Solid in the sense of actual food to be mashed in her mouth, not before it gets there)

Posted by Kim at 10:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have seen all sorts of snow before. I've never seen it become six inches of solid ice. You'll notice no tire tracks in the pictures of the driveway. The car has driven over it three times now. Nothing. No cracking, no sinking, no tread marks, no trace whatsoever. The footprints are there because I attempted to go get the mail the day this all started. About half way down the driveway, I realized if I kept going - I wasn't coming back up.

Many people didn't get their driveways shoveled in time to do any damage to the ice. Other people used their driveways for sledding (and their yards). Though I think if someone tried sledding on what it is now, they'd certainly break something. It's sunny out today so hopefully it will melt some of it. (Since it's supposed to snow over the weekend, a little melting would be nice.)

It's amazing to see people walking on what looks like deep snow. They don't sink. It's just all wrong in my head. They should sink with every footstep. Then when you realize it's just solid ice, you wonder how the hell they're not falling on their butts every few steps.

Pulling in to the garage last night was one of the most terrifying things I've ever willingly done (willing meaning Dan refused to do it for me and insists the practice is good for me. Whaddya wanna bet he'd be singing a different tune if I HAD hit his car???). I was so afraid the car would slide and I would smack right into the side of his baby car. I was in a mild state of panic all day yesterday knowing that would be coming. The panic kept me very awake and alert on the drive home, I can tell you that. After I pulled into the garage (without sliding one single bit, I might add - GO Audi!), I was pretty sure I was going to throw up from the terror of working up to that. And if the sun doesn't do it's job today - I'll go through it again tonight.

Have I mentioned I am so very ready for Spring?

*I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I had to. I tried not to, really. My fingers were possessed by the ghost of the early 90's.

Posted by Kim at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Kim at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The little monkey baby caught another nasty cold over the weekend. Day care called mid-day on Monday to send her home with an even nastier fever. So just to give her some extra time to get better we stayed home yesterday. She is still feeling pretty miserable. At least that's what I keep telling myself to explain all the whining anyway. We spent the day just hanging out and trying to help her feel at least a little bit better.

And now today we're snowed in. It looks like about five or six inches of snow out there covering at least one layer of ice. Winds are supposed to get up to 50 mph hour today. I've gotta tell yah - every year, I hope the groundhog sees his shadow so their will be more winter. This is the first year EVER that I really, really hoped winter would end quickly. And even if it does, apparently it didn't end quickly enough. Given that you can barely tell where I shoveled yesterday and that the bottom of Dan's tires are buried (okay - that indicates absolutely nothing. He barely has real tires), winter is NOT ending.

I guess it's a good thing I finally gave in and went grocery shopping. And at least we have power. There are a few places out here that don't, and didn't all night. As much as I really love the snow, I really hope the sun comes out and melts it away by the end of today.

Updated to add: I know. I'm from Utah. I know that a few inches of snow is "Ohhhh... boohoo. Oh darn. Poor you. Yah big wuss." I know that. And at least I don't live here. But they also don't really plow the roads here, not the ways they do in Utah. (Our plows for the non-city streets are nice men in their pick-up trucks... if that.) It just doesn't really do this that often here. So people aren't use to it which makes being out in it even more unsafe. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing more beautiful than freshly fallen snow but it's just been so darn cold this year. And I do really like how the culture out here actually cares about safety in stuff like this. They'll close schools and businesses to avoid making you go out in unsae conditions. That I love. So make fun of us all you want, Utah. You're just jealous. Tehehe.

Posted by Kim at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We had planned on having the house sold and being moved by the time the baby came. Yeah. That didn't happen. Every month after she got here I would swear the next month was my deadline to get it up on the market. The market has significantly slowed here. Instead of a few hours turn-around, it's an average of six months. We should have listed it a very, very long time ago. But finally, today, it was listed. Now let's just hope like hell it doesn't really take six months. Pray to the house-selling gods with me. Not six months. Less than six months. Significantly less than six months. I want my life back. It's in boxes in the basement until we can get out of here. That and I will actually be able to have a life as we will be closer to work and to the people we actually know here. That would be nice.

Posted by Kim at 12:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Posted by Kim at 11:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

-Where the hell was all the traffic tonight? Was today a secret holiday no one mentioned to me?

-Why are some dads babysitters? What is up with that? They're parents too. The child is just as much theirs as the mothers'. And yet...

-Why we deliberately do things to hurt and upset the people we say we love instead of doing things to make them smile.

-How some peoples' houses never have dust. Anywhere. Ever. Hello! Share that secret!

-How one thing out of place in a room can make the entire room look messy.

-What type of person could possibly fall in the target audience for shows like this?

-How anyone could possibly be pro-Grissom/Sara. Ew. Seriously. And more than that, how anyone could be pro-Sara. The only person worse at delivering sing-songy, rhyme-y sounding lines is cootie-man.

Posted by Kim at 8:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I mentioned that she loved swimming. I believe I’ve mentioned that she loves her baths. But now? Now it’s any water – she wants in it RIGHT NOW! Why aren’t you letting me climb in the sink? Why can’t I put my hands in the running water? Why can’t I get in the washer? Oh hey! There’s water in the toilet too? Right on! And that water bottle? The one you’re trying to put in your mouth? Yeah, Give it!

Of course she goes everywhere with me but now that she’s found this fascination with water, doing dishes, doing laundry, brushing my teeth, washing my hands, putting her anywhere near a counter – has become a chore in just keeping her contained. I put her on the bathroom counter after her baths or to clean her nose or ears or wash her face and she immediately rolls toward the sink. I sit her on the counter to let her play in the mirror and instead she goes for the water faucet. I used to hold on to her while I loaded the washer as it was filling with water. Now she tries to jump in it. If she had her way, I would never pull her out of her bath until she was blue and shivering. (Good thing I’m the mom and a whole lot bigger.)

It’s adorable. I love it. (And from my experience with children, 100% typical.)

***

We’ve been suffering through random bouts of the plague for what seems like forever. I had a cold. Then the baby had a cold. Then Dan had a cold. Then we were cold-free for a whopping – I don’t know – probably two days. Then the baby caught another cold from day-care (shutup. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) about a week and a half ago and then she gave it to me and wouldn’t you know the next morning Dan had it again. So it’s been non-stop sick and ick and ew and oh god even my eyeballs hurt for an eternity. (An hour of congestion feels like a lifetime so days of it – yeah, it’s been forever and ever.) Hopefully it will go away for good this time. (I know, I’m a funny girl.) Especially since my head feels like it’s going to implode, I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t think and I’m so delirious I can’t even spell.

***

She’s not a baby anymore. She’s turning into a little kid. I was watching her sleep last night and there’s nothing “baby” about her anymore. Independent little critter. Her features aren’t at all baby. What the hell happened? Where’d my baby go?

***

I think I’ve talked about it before, how I had truly planned to use this site much more frequently – actually make use of it. And my, how I’ve seriously sucked at that. I set a goal, I made a plan and then real life took over and I was sucked into too much hatred and anger and bitterness and disinterest in absolutely everything. I didn’t want to talk to people in the real world, I had no stories to tell, I had no interest in having stories or making them – let alone sharing anything with anyone else. So there was nothing to put up here, nothing to share. I was too consumed in what was going on in me. As things slowly start to get better, hopefully there will be more frequent posts that aren’t just random pictures and aren’t just specifically baby-centric. It’s amazing the difference in motivations when the clouds start to clear and you start to feel like someone at least resembling yourself again.

***

One thing I have been too lazy (I like that word so much better than hateful or angry) to talk about here that I really, really should mention is:

HOLY CRAP! My sister is having a freaking baby!!! I cannot even begin to express how excited I am for her. She’s got her little itty-bitty guy but that she gets to experience the pregnancy and birth stages (though they’ve mostly nothing but sucked for her so far) with this one is so awesome. Though with as sick as she’s been through this, I’m sure there are some mornings she wonders what the hell she was so excited for. I’m sure I will write tons more about it but it really just hit me this morning when I started looking into baby shower stuff that she’s gonna be as big a freak with a daughter as I am WOOHOO! that she’s going to have her own daughter to be all girlie with. And my sister is definitely the girlie-girl.

***

I miss my puppies!! There’s that new Pedigree commercial that is on ALL THE DAMN TIME that brings tears to my eyes every time I see it. David Duchovny’s (of course, sheesh!) deadpan, monotone voice talking about all the good qualities of the dogs and then them wondering how they ended up in the pound and they just want to go home…

Waaaaa. I need to move so I can go rescue my dogs! sister! dogs! Okay, both!

***
And on that note, I am ending this post so I can go call my realtor and tell her “Monday. List on Monday!” I want out of this house. I don’t care what it takes. I don’t care if I have to stay up from tomorrow morning to Sunday night, it will be ready to show by Monday morning. I want my dogs back, I want my time back, I want out of this place before my demon-angel-monkey baby learns how to crawl, I want hot water when I shower every morning, I want so many things that comes with getting this place sold.

Posted by Kim at 3:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)