Lost in Place

Tomorrow my little demon baby turns nine months old. This is of note for reasons other than the obvious (like the one that holy crap! she’s freakin’ old! how’d this happen????) which I will get to later.

When I was pregnant, like anyone, I had a million fears. #3 on that list of fears was breastfeeding. Some days when I was semi-comfortable with numbers 1 and 2, it would take front seat and send me into states of panic like I had never known before. What if I couldn’t do it? What if it hurt so bad like other people had said? Or as hard as people make it sound? What if there were problems? How do I feed her in public? Why does everyone have to judge so harshly either way? What if people judged me? What if I did have to give her formula? What if I had to only give her formula? Am I a bad mother if I can’t do this?

Now that I look back, I think I was probably more afraid of breastfeeding than I was of labor and delivery. There is just such a divide between breastfeeding and formula feeding and people are so passionate about it they forget it’s not really their business and don’t care how much they hurt others with their overzealous opinions. It’s bad enough that a mother doesn’t know what she’s doing, but when another mother – who should understand and support through the battle – starts attacking? How is that a good thing? So yeah, I was terrified for a billion reasons.

Before Dan and I had ever even thought about possibly, maybe, someday trying to think about having kids we would have the breastfeeding fight. He would say I had no say in the matter, I was doing it. I would say, “hello! My boobs! My body! My time! Ultimately MY choice. And, besides, doofus, what if I can’t???” To have a MAN make you feel like less of a woman or mother by telling you that you HAVE to breastfeed their child, I’ll kick his ass myself. I get that they are entitled to their opinion, they’re the dad, they’re certainly involved and expressing their point of view is certainly welcome. But to feel like he will see you as less of a mother, less of a woman if you can’t breastfeed, or even choose not to. I don’t even have words for the lack of support, tyrant ass that man would be. Anyway… So we had that fight for years. Then it went away for years and was never discussed again until we found out I was pregnant. During a conversation very early on, it somehow came up and I made some comment about breastfeeding. About absolutely wanting to do it – to try. (Mind you, the fights before were never because I didn’t want to, they were because I felt like it should ultimately be my choice since I was the one who was going to have to do it. It wasn’t his boobs that were potentially not going to be able to feed the baby. He will never know that fear.) He was taken aback thinking that I wasn’t going to even bother. So then started the conversations of how terrified of: what if I couldn’t it? People are so mean about it. People will be mean to me and make me feel more incompetent than I know I already would anyway.

Good thing my husband rocks. He was nothing but supportive in my decisions with all this. He still is.

So now…. I know…. Four hours later… I’m wordy, what can I say…. My point….

It has been hard. It’s been so fulfilling and wonderful and great and bonding and really kind of easy but it has been so. very. very. hard. I have had to supplement with formula already and I thought I was a terrible mother who was going to breastfeeding hell the first few times. But it’s that or my child starved. I have had a hell of a time with having a significantly low milk supply the entire time I’ve been nursing. It’s not been fun. It’s not been easy. We’re at the point now that she has to be supplemented at day care so she can get enough. Her entire life, whenever she’s with me, she’s eating constantly because there just isn’t enough. I read books, I consulted with lactation consultants, I tried old wives tales and supplements, I’ve done everything I can come up with and still never have enough.

In my head, I knew I wanted to go a year. But what if I couldn’t even get started? Or what if there were problems along the way (which, for the record, I never once even considered the problem I would actually be having. Just my luck.)? So I decided to be a little more realistic and actually set goals that I knew I could reach and break it down a bit. So my goals were like this: Goal 1 – Be able to do it. At all. Establish a successful latch and see how it goes. Goal 2 – At least the first month. Do NOT give up. Make it at least one month. Goal 3 – Get through the first three months. Goal 4 – Go to six months. Anything beyond that is gravy. Just get to six months. Easy. You can do it. Goal 5 – Nine months. Anything beyond this and you rock. Goal 6 – A year. Nice goal. If you can get there, by all means, have at it.

So I’m at goal 5 (phew! 20 paragraphs later and I am finally to my point). We’ve made it nine months. I know that so many people would have given up by now, would have realized it wasn’t worth the hassle or the stress and just gone to formula. And that it would be okay if I did. I hit six months and even the pediatrician said anything beyond that was just icing on the cake. But in my head, there are still those people out there (sadly, some in my life which I think is why it bothers me so much) that will think I’m less of a woman and less of a mother if I don’t make it the full year. But I’m drying up. I don’t get nearly enough for the next day when I pump anymore and it’s driving me crazy. I tell myself it would be so much easier if I would just let her go to straight formula and not have the stress of not having enough, of having to pump freaking constantly. But it’s also something I really value with my baby. So do I let day care feed her straight formula and when she’s with me nurse? I have no idea. Three more months. That’s it. That’s all it takes to reach my ultimate goal. Even if I only half-nurse her that far, it’s more than I ever really thought I could do, so is that good? I know so many mothers, mothers whom I admire and respect much more than anyone I know who preaches ONLY BREAST, who supplemented long before now if not went solely to formula long before now. So why can’t I just get over it and do it? In my head I feel like I will see myself as failing if I give up before June. I’ve made it this far – I have NOT failed. So what’s up with this?