Lost in Place

Remember when I was eight years old and I broke my arm really, really bad? And when you took me to the emergency room I screamed and cried that I just wanted my dad?

I do.

I am so sorry.

Love,
Your crazy daughter who never could have known how much that must have hurt until she had her own child.

Madeleine smashed her head on the door frame at day care on Wednesday. Her poor, little head had a lump the size of a golf ball on it for hours. She was pretty mellow and blah for a while and slept the whole ride home. Who doesn't want to just take a nap after crying their heart out for 45 minutes? The swelling went down rather quickly. By the time I had her home, it was about half the size it was when I'd picked her up at day care. Once her dad got home though, she didn't want anything to do with me. Just Dad.

Hurt kid. Doesn't want mom. Ouch.

Not so long ago, I would long for the time when she would spend just a few scream-free minutes with her dad and not have to come to me. Everyone told me that soon enough, she'd go to her dad and the first time she rejected coming to me, it would break my heart. And then she'd only want her dad and that would break my heart. Even though it was all I wanted, just a few minutes to myself please, it would still be a jab in the heart when it happened. Yep. Ouch.

And how silly is that?

Posted by Kim at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do you ever have those days where absolutely nothing is actually wrong but your brain just works overtime and gets the best of you and all you wanna do is get back in bed, crawl under the covers and cry yourself to sleep?

Just me then?

Posted by Kim at 4:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Girl: Mom, what does “spoiled” mean?
Mom: Why did someone call you that?
Girl: No. Someone called YOU that.
McDreamy Voiceover: Hey – Kim? Kim! Pay attention here. Buy a Mazda. Buy THIS Mazda. Come on. You know you want to. It’s “cute.” Come on, you can do it. You know you want this car. Buy this Mazda NOW. Think of all the things and people you could fit in it. You know you want one. Get it. You can do it. All the cool moms are doing it. Besides, I’m McDreamy, you have to do what I say. You want this Mazda. You will buy this Mazda. This very one. Psst. Come on. Just do it.

Hey, who am *I* to argue with a McDreamy voiceover?

Posted by Kim at 4:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had planned on taking one last picture, bidding a fond farewell and telling touching, insightful stories through tear-filled eyes about how it was so sad to part with something that represented a turning point in our lives. But when it came down to it? I shut the door, walked away and threw the keys across the counter thinking, “Good riddance.”

Good riddance to the car with the transmission failure. Good riddance to the car that had almost 150 THOUSAND miles on it. Good riddance to the car with the oil leak and the tires that couldn’t keep air. Sayonara! to the car that didn’t have the LATCH system but a very annoying, middle seatbelt that would never, ever cooperate for an extended period. Hasta la vista to the car whose check engine light would never turn off and stereo lights would blink at you. Au revoir to the car whose cupholder was permanently stuck open and arm bent in. Adieu to the car that was so freaking close to being paid for!

Goodbye to the car that marked the point in life where we started to become semi-responsible adults. Goodbye to the car that took us on numerous, wonderful trips with great friends to Vegas and California. Goodbye to the car that drove the two of us and our two dogs across the country to start an entirely new life so far away from everything we knew. Goodbye to the car that drove our first baby home from the hospital and our many family and friends to and from airports. Goodbye to the car that was the most comfy, spacious and wonderful car.

May someone fix you and get some really great use, like we did, out of you because oh my holy hell, we are so. very. done. with you! I mean seriously!!

Posted by Kim at 3:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Lost:

Won Gained*:

*Technically, I guess you could say "won." They ended up sending us an upgraded grill. The loss is still kicking me in the behind. Grumble grumble.

Posted by Kim at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

We were so excited to get Li'l Miss M forward-facing in the car. I was sure it would move us a step in the right direction to a more normal, tolerable life car ride. I was so sure.

I was so wrong. So very wrong.

Now, not only does she whine and cry and scream and cry and moan and groan and cry, she does it with her arms outstretched. As to say, "Please, Mommy. Get me out of these restraints. Please." (Though, in truth, I am sure it's more "Look, woman! Let me out. How dare you?") So that's all the more fun.

At least rear-facing she would get so bored she would just pass out. But now - there are things to watch and pay attention to and get very bored of but oh what if I miss something and I must keep watching even though I am going absolutely out of my mind oh here let me cry about it a while.

I'm hoping the new-ness soon wears off and she gets bored enough to sleep through the commute again. Because now? She's not happy. I'm not happy. And together - that makes us both very unhappy and makes for a very long day.

But isn't she so cute all dwarfed by her gigantic throne seat?

Posted by Kim at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Remember my wonderful start to last week?

Maybe I shouldn't fault Mondays so much as my own, growing absent-mindedness.

Yesterday was a very long day so I wasn't looking forward to this morning from the get go. Apparently for good reason.

Madeleine wakes up an hour earlier than usual when all I want is for her to sleep an hour later than usual. On top of that, she's really grumpy and whiney and needy and whiney and grumpy. The migraine I had since yesterday afternoon is still tormenting my head and I just want to go crawl in a hole.

Dan leaves angry at me and I am running much later than I had wanted to be because I cannot even function. Migraine, exhausted, sunburned so bad I can barely move, and just generally really not wanting to get going for the day. But I do.

Grumpy-baby keeps pointing to something on the counter and grunting and whining. After handing her the toothpaste, the toothbrush, her toothpaste, the brush, the comb and the toothbrush holder, I give up, put her on the floor and let her cry while I try to put on my clothes. She continues to cry and reach for whatever invisible thing on the counter it is that she HAS TO HAVE while I dig out clothes for her.

We go downstairs to have breakfast and clean up and she melts down when I put the waffle in the toaster. She keeps crying while I try to find her cups and bottles and food for day care. I can't find a clean lid to a sippy cup so I make a mess of the cupboard hoping there's just one somewhere at the bottom. We're late already, I don't WANT to wash dishes! As I am packing her bag, I realize I haven't washed her blankets for day care yet since we were gone all weekend. I haven't been grocery shopping for the week, so she has no bananas for her snack. Or any other fruit for that matter.

I finally get her bag together and grab my bag and head to the door to run those to the car before taking the baby out (who, by the way apparently had been hoping there was a waffle on the bathroom counter because since giving her her breakfast, she hasn't made a peep and is walking around the house happy as can be. Boy I can't wait until she has WORDS.). But. Wait. Oh no! My key! My key is in my purse. I was so tired, I left my purse in the car last night. The car is locked. Oh darn, I'll just call it the crap day it is and take the day off. Oh, but wait! My phone is ALSO in my purse. I can't call work. I can't call day care. I can't log in to IM anyone because the key I need for that is - wait for it ... IN. MY. PURSE!

Dumping multiple drawers, I hope to find the valet or swimmer's key that haven't been used since ohhh... the summer of 2002. Well before the move out here. Well before the million re-shiftings of junk I routinely do. And yet I do manage to find the valet key. So I take the bags out to the car and do a couple of quick searches through my purse for my key. Which I don't find. But that's fine, the valet key will start the car and I can get to work. I'll worry about my key when I get there.

A quarter of the way in to work I realize that, no, my key is not in my purse. It's in my freaking pants pocket from Saturday with my debit card. So now what am I going to do for lunch? Oh well. Who needs lunch? Let's just hope I don't fall asleep on the way to work.

After what feels like a hundred years from being so tired making that drive, I get to day care and then get to work. And not ten minutes after I get settled, my phone rings and our house will be showing tonight. At exactly dinner time. Of course. And oh - I left dishes in the sink and Madeleine's books she dug out while I was getting ready all over her floor. Nice. Immediately after that, the IC guy stops by to install the software I've been waiting for for over a month. But - oh - I was supposed to delete mine beforehand. Oops. I forgot all about that. Not being able to use much of anything while that uninstalls, I lose about an hour of time and force the IC guy to come back later so that I can waste even more time for the install.

But instead of waiting for the install, I go to lunch. I figure that will be a semi-productive way to spend the downtime. I've been saying I'll buy a forward-facing carseat for a week now (since woo!! 20.8 pounds as of 1.5 weeks ago. YAE) so I do. On my way back, I reach for my hip to grab my badge to get back into work and it's not there. It's not in the console where I always put it. It's not in the seat which is the second choice. After finally finding it at the bottom of my purse, I get back to my desk to have my already grumpy at me husband tell me he'd thought we hadn't yet agreed on which car seat to get and he was leaning toward the one I didn't get.

Remember that hole I wanted to crawl into right after getting up this morning? I am going to go find it now before something ELSE goes wrong...

Posted by Kim at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I read this post. And then I read this post. And then? I read this post.

It’s been playing on my brain for a while now. My biggest fear at this point is simply being a parent. Knowing all of the trials and questions and doubts and problems and changes and difficult situations that are ahead of me as a mother, I am scared stiff.

All my life I’ve wished through everything. Starting from when I was really young, I remember wishing to be just a bit older. I wished my life away. I would always look to the future and was so excited for it to get here. It would never come fast enough.

Then I had a baby.

Thinking of the future, of what the road ahead holds for me, scares me more than the biggest, hairiest spider, more than any creepy noise in the dark when I’m home alone, more than anything I’ve ever been afraid of in my life. Thinking about the situations I face in the years to come as a mom, there is an overwhelming sense of panic. I get so anxious that my brain just shuts down and I can’t even think anymore. No more looking to the future to me. No more wishing time away. And you know what? I don’t think that’s entirely a bad thing.

I am now forced to live in the now, live for the moment. It keeps me sane. It keeps me breathing. It allows me to appreciate what is going on right now instead of wishing for the next phase. Life can take it’s time now. I love where I am, I have no desire to rush through it and for the first time, I enjoy taking life day by day. So while it is an overwhelming fear, one I doubt I will ever overcome, it does have its advantages.

Though the first time I have to play the actual parent role? I’m running for the hills.

Posted by Kim at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today was the first day I had to worry about actually getting anywhere without Dan. He leaves much earlier now and that leaves me preparing for the day and getting Madeleine and myself ready to go. Please. Please let today just be "one of those days" ...

I woke up later than I had wanted to this morning.

The baby woke up crying just as I had gotten in the shower.

I couldn't find my car key.

My breakfast was horrible.

I had forgotten to pack the bag for day care.

I couldn't find my car key.

I had a perfect plan to get out of the house with the baby and all the bags and then realized the car seat was still in the car and that alone ruined the entire plan.

Tearing off her banana for the day, I ripped another one open and she didn't want a banana for breakfast.

Already extremely late, I notice waffle pieces all over the floor.

Where the hell is my car key???

Starting the day by already getting a headache - not good.

Finally found the key after half an hour looking for it and text messaging Dan to see if we - by ANY chance - have a spare hiding anywhere.

Everything is in the car... except wait, I forgot a cup and bottle for day care.

Take the WRONG freaking exit for day care and add yet another 5 minutes to how freaking late I am.

Forget to tell day care that I will be coming back to get M for a doctor's appointment later in the day.

Get to work and cannot for the life of me remember when my doctor's appointment is and cannot find where I had written it down but had a terrible feeling it was for today.

It wasn't and that was where I stopped. I want to climb in a hole and not come back out again until tomorrow. I hate when Monday's are holidays. It throws off the entire week.

Posted by Kim at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I took Madeleine to see Mr. Knick Knack yesterday. I had never had her out in a crowded place before so I had no idea how either of us would handle it.

She ate it up.

She was fearless. She jumped down and just wandered. She tried to join another family, climb anything not already sprouting multiple children, let other little kids walk up and hug her (yes, complete strangers), and just happily wandered through the play area making friends every where she went. She would just walk up to people, stand there and just look at them. Every adult smiled and talked to her and were all very friendly, and the little kids were the same. Even the few times she was plowed over by bigger kids, she'd just on the floor, soaking it all up.

Given she is much, MUCH smaller than I am, she maneuvered herself through the crowd very easily. I, however, had a heck of a time keeping up with her. There was only one time that she got knocked smack down by a much larger child that she even cared that she wasn't completely certain she had a clue as to where her mom was. Aside from that, she couldn't care less where I was, she was having FUN!

She danced around, clapped with the music (apparently B-I-N-G-O is a big hit with her), and had a ball. I only wish I had taken my actual camera in with me instead of just my phone. We'll definitely be going to see Mr. Knick Knack again. He seriously, totally ROCKS.

Posted by Kim at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)