Lost in Place

No puppies this year. But at least a baby.

It's going to be a crazy night. Dan has decided to leave tonight instead of tomorrow morning for our very, very long car drive. And since I insist on handing out candy, we can't leave right after work. Come on - that's the fun of Halloween! Seeing the little kids all dressed up and happy (who wouldn't be happy getting free sugar overload??), running around the neighborhoods. I love Halloween. And since I don't get dressed up and go out anymore, I live vicariously through the trick-or-treaters. That and the little, shy ones are just so darn cute I can't stand it. I think they're my favorite part. What about you? What's your favorite part about Halloween?

Posted by Kim at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Everyone I know tells me I should post more often. As you can see, I’m not exactly … consistent. And am lazy. And often can’t think of anything I care to sit down and type about. So a friend of ours, who is in much the same boat, came up with a challenge. We swap topics once a week and have to write a post for it. That way we get at least one post a week out there. (Which, if you’ve been reading here for very long, you know I'm not always so good at doing.)

After both of us hating the original topics this time around and deciding to cheat and call it a do-over, my task is to tell the story of my most embarrassing moment.

Uhh… But… I don’t have one.

Sure, I have the typical call someone by the wrong name, cousin walking in while you’re changing your clothes when you’re 10, making up words that don’t exist when you actually care what you’re saying stories but everyone has those stories and they’re really not all that embarrassing. (Okay, so maybe the second one was. But it happens to everyone at one time or another. I'm just glad mine was over twenty years ago and NOT recent!)

For the first third of my life, my response to that question was, “Are you kidding me?? I don’t *get* embarrassed!” And it was true. I was the crazy kid who did the crazy stuff who didn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thought about it, humiliating or not, because I did it with confidence and had fun with it. Ha. Wow. That person is LONG gone.

Now the reason I don’t have a most embarrassing moment is probably the most embarrassing part of it all – I’m too afraid of what people will think to go out on a limb and possibly look the fool. What the hell happened to me? I’m too prim and proper and how dare I take a risk or have some fun or be kind of crazy because someone might think I’m an idiot.

Yeah. That’s embarrassing. Humiliating. Disturbing. Get a grip, woman! And while you’re at it, get a life! Or at least live the one you have. Geeze. Am I right?

Posted by Kim at 1:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We had to let them go. They were being neglected by not being allowed to run wild and use their insane abilities. They were borderline abused by being forced to commute 100+ miles a day. And they don’t really work so well stampeding in the snow. Which is coming soon. Well, eventually but we have to be prepared!

So we had to set them free. Give them the chance to roam and run wild. Hopefully they’ll get that chance with the next person that tries to corral them in and break them. Though, just a warning for that person – they will own you. Not the other way around. Just saying. There are a WHOLE LOT of them and they can MOVE! So we needed to let them.

Unlike the Audi, where losing it was a bit bitter-sweet, this one was just pretty bitter. We knew we had to give it up but this car… People. This car defines my husband. Any time he would mention selling it, I would get teary-eyed. The first time he mentioned it, a few months back, I burst into tears and asked what was wrong, what’s going on? Because no way would he, in his right mind, even consider letting go of that car. He must just be having a backwards midlife crisis. Most people lose the responsible car and buy this car for their midlife crisis, not the other way around. And here he was, wanting to unload his race car, the car he put blood, sweat, tears and a whole lot of money in to, the car that defined him and was him and he was that car.

But he was right, he just wasn’t able to use it to its potential. He didn’t get the opportunity to race it anymore, his dad is too far away to share that experience with (which is the whole point of him racing), it’s not a good commuter car, it has more power than anyone could really know what to do with, and it just isn’t fair to let it rack up the mileage simply commuting back and forth to work. It’s more than that. It’s better than that. So, he took it in, traded it in, and we said goodbye. I never thought I’d care so much about losing a car but with everything else going on, it’s like losing a part of someone. And, sadly, I think I had a harder time letting go than he did. Standing in the parking lot, he saw the shiny, new car while all I saw was the put out to pasture, abandoned, old car. I kind of envision the whole Jessi song from Toy Story 2 with the car being the doll wondering what happened, what went wrong, why don’t they love me anymore? Poor car.

Even Madeleine knew that car. She would point to it and say, “dad” when he would drive in front of us or when she would walk past it in the driveway. Anytime he would start the car, she’d make a “vroom vroom” sound because it was so loud. (Which she somehow figured out all on her own when we were having to drive that car when the Audi was dead. So cute.) Losing that is very sad too.

Not to say the new car isn’t loud. Not to say the new car isn’t sporty or race-y or shiny or FUN FUN FUN. Oh my, it is. And sleek. And comfy and way, way, way cool. The Cobra was a Pit Bull, the new car is a Doberman. Someday maybe I can even come to associate it with my husband. But that day is still down the road quite a ways.

Posted by Kim at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

On Saturday, we met some friends at the Leesburg Petting Zoo for Pumpkinville.

They had a lot of animals in pens that the kids can feed. There is also a large area for you to go in with the animals - goats, pigs, a camel, and a few others. They had ginormous turtles, pony rides, bird cages, all sorts of fun stuff for the kids to see and do.

She was a little leery of getting too close to the animals at first. And, of course, everything was a dog. She didn't mind them coming close if she was being held, but if she was on her own feet she was very hesitant about something coming near her. She did get down at one point while we were in with the animals and didn’t seem to bothered about the goats wandering around her. I wasn't sure how the pony ride would turn out but she loved it. She sat very still (thank heavens) and was grinning ear to ear by the time it was over.

They had an area of slides and bounces and other activities. She was too little for some of it, but I took her down the hill slide a couple of times and she loved it. The first time I wasn’t sure what she thought but seeing Dan’s pictures after we got home, it was pretty obvious. The second time though she actually giggled and grinned the whole way down. I love that she’s not afraid of that stuff. Hopefully we can keep it that way.

The weather was supposed to be good for the day but a couple of hours in, it started to look pretty nasty so we didn’t get to explore the whole park but she and her little friend, Jaysen, had some fun at the playground before we left.

I love taking her out to do things like this. It gives such a different perspective and allows us to have fun through the children. What surprises me is how much she enjoys it. She loves to go out and about and be with other kids, seeing and doing things that are on her level. Each time we’ve gone out, I’ve worried that she’ll miss a nap and be grouchy or she’ll get tired or anxious and just be a bear. But that hasn’t happened yet. She’s always very excited to see what other people are doing. We let her run around a lot at the petting zoo and she just loved to wander aimlessly, seeing what was out there, exploring the ground and checking out the people. Oh why, oh why can’t it stay this easy to entertain them???

Posted by Kim at 3:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dan picked me up with a bouquet of daisies and a card waiting in the seat for me. (Dan doesn’t get me flowers. Dan certainly doesn’t give me cards. ???) He had told me to pick where we would go to dinner so I chose the Red Canyon Lodge. I love that place. It was fall, it had likely snowed up on the mountain so I was sure it would be really pretty up there and the food was pretty good so it was what I’d wanted.

We left for dinner and the weather was fine. About half-way up the mountain, we hit the snow. There was quite a bit of it on the ground and it was coming down pretty heavy. We were in his absolutely-not-made-for-driving-in-the-snow sports car so that was tons o’ fun. But we kept going.

We got to the lodge and had dinner. I don’t even have a clue what either of us ate, though I am sure it was chicken something or other. For me, anyway. So we talked and ate and and talked and talked. Then we probably got dessert and talked some more. It went on and on and on and was really nice. (But seriously – we don’t talk this much. ????) We finished up and took the leftovers with us. When we walked outside, everything was covered over a foot of snow. I love snow. Nothing makes me feel more calm and at peace with existence than freshly fallen snow. It was beautiful. It was dark so we couldn’t see too far but Dan paused on the large deck of the restaurant and just looked around. (Huh? He doesn’t care about this stuff? What is he doing? ???) We talked for a few minutes while we looked out over the snow-covered cabins and freezing lake and then we went to the car.

After he started the car, I remember him saying, “You know, we have a lot of problems in our relationship… And this is our biggest one.” (??????!!!) Pitch dark in the car, I have no idea what he’s doing or even talking about! What? What is the biggest problem in our relationship? What did I do NOW? And as I am attempting to ask those very questions, he holds his hand out and puts something small in mine.

Now let me tell you something about my kind, loving, honest, friendly husband. He used to take things and hide them from me just to see how long it would take me to notice. Seriously.

So when I realized the small thing in my hand wasn’t a quarter like I had thought and couldn’t figure out how the hell *that* would be our biggest problem, my next thought was, “Oh! Shit! How long has it been gone this time?!” He had given me a ring a few years back and it was the one thing that he LOVED to hide from me. I didn’t always wear it and it was his way of telling me that maybe I should wear it more often and at least act like I appreciated it.

But wait. I just saw that ring the other day. And this? This is not a pearl. This… This is sharp. And pointy. And BIG! What the ???? Which is exactly what I believe I said at that point. Followed with, “What is this? Are you serious? Is this for real?”

(As a side note, he conveniently didn’t hear the “for” in that last sentence so insists I was asking if the ring was real. I hadn’t even seen the thing yet. Why would I be questioning that? Like I said, he had given me a ring before that wasn’t an engagement ring. Is this one? Really? Seriously? Holy crap!)

Something very important to know about his damn car at the time is that it was an old highway patrol car. An old ’89 mustang that had a few tweaks normal cars didn’t. Like the gun bag thingy in the back seat. And a stinking piece of crap FLASHLIGHT in place of the dome light. Now this "flashlight" was the most uncooperative hunk o’ junk in the world. Not too mention SMALL and DIM. It would only work when you pulled it out of it’s holder on the 8th second of the forth hour with a crescent moon while standing on your head in fuschia pajamas. Seriously. It was never reliable.

So as I am jumping up and down in my seat, screaming 8 million questions at once, all I want to do is see this little thing in my hand. So I am beating on the damn light to please, please, please turn on and it’s not and I’m all sorts of excited and frustrated and why the hell did he wait until we were in the pitch dark of the car?? (Because he was so nervous he was afraid he’d drop the ring in the snow while holding the box of leftovers but didn't want to deal with the leftovers to set me off thinking something was afoot. I found out later. Well, I can live with that.) Once I got the light on, I finally got to see the exact ring I had harassed him about probably just days prior knowing we would never, ever, ever end up getting married. (Come on, it’d been seven years already!) Apparently he’d had this ring for a number of weeks at that point before even seeing the one I had sent him. (Pretty darn cool, huh?) I hadn’t a clue. Not one single, itty-bitty, iota of any idea. None. He hadn't told anyone except his parents so no one would ruin the surprise. Well it was a good plan. I hate surprises but this one? This one I could totally live with. And happily.

So yeah, I was proposed to sitting in a car, in the pitch dark, outside a restaurant, in tons and tons of snow. And you know what? It was perfect. I was proposed to in the snow. It’s all I ever wanted. (Ok, that and to get married in the snow. Which we did. Four months later.)

That was seven years ago today. Being where we are today is better than anything I ever could have wanted - then and now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a hell of a seven years. But isn’t that what makes us who we are? I am thrilled that those two, young kids, sitting in a car, in the freezing cold night have turned out the way they did. I’m sure many people wouldn’t see it as much of an accomplishment or in any way noteworthy – but the things we’ve been through, and put each other through, the things we’ve seen happen to so many people around us – I realize it is an accomplishment and it is noteworthy. And I plan to be saying the exact same things in another seven years, by golly.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Seven years ago I was asked the biggest question of my life so far and I don’t regret my answer one bit. Of course there are days I’d like t… But that’s not the point! No, the point is, my ring is still big and shiny and sparkly and perfect and oh? Oh, that’s not the point either? Well, then I guess it’s just simply that I really believe it’s important to let people know how we feel. And to be appreciative and acknowledging. And oh good grief, she says it so much better.

Posted by Kim at 1:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This post should probably be multiple posts but why drag out the pain? Nope, I’m going to get it all over with in one. So bear with me, or you know, move on til next time.

I had mentioned forcing my child to like dogs. I didn’t have to force her. The kid is obsessed. She sees one, she hears one, she wants to see one, it’s all “dog! Dog! Dog!” and she doesn’t quit. Her face lights up and her eyes beam and she runs around with the biggest grin you can imagine.

The neighbors have a dog that they let in their backyard every once in a while. Madeleine's "toy corner" is right next to the window that allows her to see the neighbor's backyard. When the dog is out there, boy, she let's you know. She runs around the living room, so excited, yelling "dog!" And then she gets so sad when he goes inside. I picked her up from day care a while ago and one of the mom's had brought her dogs with her to pick up her child. The day care ladies said Madeleine stood at the glass door for over ten minutes, pointing and yelling, "dog," making sure everyone knew. And she does that - she doesn't forget and she stays so excited for ages after the dog is gone.

So yeah I feel unbearably guilty EVERY STINKING TIME she does this since she has dogs, two of them, and they’re just not here. And then when she gets so upset that the dogs have to go away, I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

So there’s that guilt.

And then Halloween. Man. This is the time of year that normally, I would be posting tortured dog photos. Little Chihuahuas dressed in silly, little Halloween costumes, forced to hold still long enough to snap a picture. I can’t bear to walk past the dog section in Target right now. I did it the other week and burst in to tears because the Halloween stuff was just so stinking cute and I have no dogs I can torture with it. And then it’s happened every time since. They need to not put the dog stuff on the way to the check-out counter. How rude. It’s the Halloween stuff that has been killing me lately. Sure, I always miss my dogs but there are times it’s just a bit worse.

They’re very well taken care of, if not spoiled. I know that. And to be perfectly honest, I will probably have a harder time taking them away from the person they’re with than I had letting them go. And I know that as soon as I get them back, they’ll drive me bat-shit crazy with the yapping and the begging and the wanting attention and the baby – dog getting to used to each other, sharing space, oh man that’s gonna suck phase BUT! I miss the little critters like crazy.

Especially now when I so want to put stupid little panda costumes or witch hats on them.

Posted by Kim at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I had no idea Blue was a girl! Why did no one tell me Blue was a girl? A girl puppy? And I didn't smother my child with it from the second she was out of the womb? Okay... so maybe it's a good thing I didn't know Blue was a girl.

(Obviously I just suffered sat through my first episode of "Blue's Clues".)

Posted by Kim at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You know what I miss most about being young? Having someone to take care of me when I’m so sick I can’t really take care of myself. I get that as a mom, you don’t get sick days. That’s fine, I accept that. You have to be there and present no matter what for the child cuz they sure don't get it. But the rest of it? The pieces that are not at all related to being a mom? The parts that are just you? It would be nice to still have someone to take care of that for you when you can’t take care of it yourself. And to tuck you in and tell you, “You’ll feel better in the morning, just get some rest.” Yeah, that’s what I miss most about being young – being allowed an actual sick day. What about you? What do you miss most about being young?

Posted by Kim at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Truth is, Madeleine doesn't get outside much. Which is really unfortunate because she loves to be outside. She will whine and cry to be taken outside all the time. She's as bad as the dogs were, she'll stand at the doors and whine until you let her outside. She'll grab your hand and take you to the door to convince you to take her outside. Of course, while she's out there, she has to get down and run around. Our yard isn't exactly "toddler friendly." All sides of the house slope down so there's really no where to safely let her play without her rolling to the bottom if she loses her balance. The driveway? Completely out of the question. So she doesn't get to play a whole lot outside. We go on walks, that's one of her favorite things and is one of her first words. But that's with her strapped in to the stroller. I will let her walk on the road while I get the mail (we're at the end of a cul-de-sac so it's safe for her) but that never lasts very long. Yes, I feel guilty as can be about it because now it's starting to get cool and the time outside is starting to shrink even more.

This weekend we took her to Great Country Farms for a fall outing. I knew she would have a good time because it was time spent outside. We didn't even bother taking her stroller, it's very child-friendly so we let her walk. We hadn't been there before so we weren't sure exactly what we were in for, I just knew I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch. It was perfect!

The farm was awesome. It had farm animals, which she loved. The turkeys, rabbits, pigs, goats, and even the unidentifiable bird-thingies were all "dogs" to her. She was fascinated with the stinky, smelly, huge pigs and the bunnies, she'd get right up close. We found a cage of baby birds near the restrooms as we were getting ready to leave. She made us walk by those a number of times. She'd walk over and then make one of us pick her up so she could actually see them. It's kind of amazing what she's learned to communicate - and how - in the last little while. And the things she puts together in her head. Who is this kid? Where'd she come from?

While we were waiting for the tractor to take us over to the pumpkin patch, she sat down in the rocks and starting throwing them from one side of her to another. I was making sure she didn't put any in her mouth and she was doing really well. I looked up to talk to Dan for a second and the next thing I knew, she had brown slobber all down her chin and was making "ew! gross! get it out! right now!" noises. So she had her first dirt while at the farm too. Apparently it was not a hit.

We rode in some trailers pulled by a tractor from the farm over to the pumpkin patch. On the way over, she had no idea what was going on - she held perfectly still, barely daring to breathe. Once we got over there, she got out and was fearless on the ground. Burs? Gourds? Sharp sticks? Mean, nasty roots and cut down stems to trip her? Ha! She was a baby on a mission. She wandered, touching everything she could. Of course she fell a few times, but she'd get up, brush herself off, and keep going. She had a great time. And was a lot more relaxed on the ride back to the farm.

We did pick out a couple of pumpkins. While she was too tired by then to really be interested, she loved just getting down and running around on the grass. It really was a nice day, I think we all enjoyed ourselves. It was so fun to get out and watch her see and explore new things. Really, isn't that the point of all this anyway?

Posted by Kim at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)