Lost in Place

I am a week behind. I thought I would have access to do this one while I was traveling, but I didn’t. So I am playing a bit of catch up and will have two entries for this this week. Oh well. We’re finished traveling now (hopefully) so I can stay on task.

For last week, Shane gave me the following topic:

As a working mother you have many roles to play throughout the day; Mom, Wife, Business Professional, Friend and just being yourself. Which of these roles is most important and which would you like to be most important?

My first response? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask this question of a man? Seriously? You never hear, “As a working father, how do you balance the many roles you play?” Nobody cares if the man balances well. Nobody expects him to have a stellar performance in every single role all of the time. And yet, if a woman falters in even one of hers, maybe she can’t take it. But really, not even going the comparing route, the balancing act of the man just isn’t discussed. Is he expected to just take it and run with it, never evaluate it, never judge it, never want something different, never acknowledge it? I don’t understand that. So? I’m going to do it. Turn that table, ask that question. So Shane, for this week: As a working father, with all the roles you have to play – how do you balance them all and which is most important? And a step further – which one could use the most attention?

I think that’s a question that if everyone asked of themselves, there might be a little less tension and stress in their lives. But that’s just me on my soap box. Self-evaluation is a big thing for me. Though I know it really isn’t for most people. So this question, while Shane may have thought he was throwing me a curve ball is actually a very good one for me. Because I’ve asked it of myself a number of times and I hope to never stop. It’s when I stop that things will get muddled and I’ll get completely lost.

I have this thing, and I know it doesn’t work for most people and most people will thing I’m a crazy-psycho-person (most already do, this will just cement that theory in their heads), but I believe to make a family work well long-term, it’s family, spouse, self. That’s the hierarchy of what’s important. You take care of your family, then your spouse, then with what you have left, you take care of yourself. Now before you go all “You’re an idiot, you need to take more care of your self before others,” shut up. I’m saying you work harder, not make room for neglect. But like I said, it’s my thing and I know most people aren’t that way. Not even my husband. Which makes for a very interesting relationship, I’ll tell you that. So to that point, the role of mother and wife are at the top of my “most important roles” list. And if I had to pick one to be at the very top, since Dan can take care of himself if he has to, mother would come first.

I never expected to be the mother that put her child before all else, even herself. My mom did that and I always thought she was robbing herself of so much. I am the first to admit that I am a very selfish person so to give everything I have to someone else seemed daunting at best. But it’s not like that. Mother is easily the most important role on that list for me. Followed very closely by wife, followed by friend/sister/daughter (which I admit, I am totally sucking at lately), with business professional at the end. (If I weren’t so stinking greedy, I would love for it to just fall off the list altogether for a while. Though I’d still probably replace it with student or something.)

I know that’s not the case for everyone, and it shouldn’t be. It’s just how I see it for me, what works for me. To each his own, right?

Oh? See how I left self off that list? It’s cheating. I feel like if I can balance the others the way I want them and feel successful in the way they’re handled, that I am fulfilling my obligation to myself. I don’t entirely neglect myself, I do put myself to the side a lot more than I probably should but that’s something I have been trained to do. And really, making others happy is what makes me happy. And god only knows I need a ton of therapy for that.

The problem is, I may feel successful in the ways I am handling each piece, but am I successful if the people involved feel like I am not meeting their expectations when it's entirely likely theirs are very different from mine? I guess that's the real dilemma.