Lost in Place

If you caught your spouse cheating on you, would you forgive them and remain married?
What if it had been going on for years?
What if they continued after you caught them?

My knee-jerk reaction to this one was simply to respond with, "maybe. no. and no" - leave it at that and move on to the next post.

Then I thought about "accidentally" misinterpreting the word "cheating" and just playing it off as fun. But I'm a rule follower and it's very clear in the question exactly what it means and how dare I break a rule!

And now, thinking about it even more, I think "wouldn't breaking a silly rule be easier than actually publicly discussing infidelity/adultery?" That should show you how anal I am about following the rules. (I'm a pansy.)

So without further ado, and ducking since I am sure there will be swipes taken from somewhere, I'll cave and actually answer the question.

Let's start with the "maybe." "Maybe" is to the 'remain married' part, not the 'forgive' part. I'd like to think I could forgive, but I know I couldn't forget and I really think the two have to exist together to be complete. Over a very long time, I think things could be okay, that life could be normal again. If you could ever get to the point of trusting again. Which goes back the forgiving and forgetting part. And once the seed of doubt is planted, I'm not really sure it ever goes away. I don't know, I've never really been exactly *there.* (That's not to say I have no experience with this topic and am just making things up as I go. Unfortunately, I probably have a lot more experience than most.) I can say what has happened in the past and I can say what I expect for the future but until I'm in the thick of it, I really have no idea. Circumstances, I'm tellin' yah!

However, I can and will say if it had been going on for years, whether it was over now or not, that creates a complete mistrust in the basic foundation of the entire relationship. That would be much, much more difficult to overcome - to pick up the pieces and try to move forward together. I think the entire idea of remaining together is based on a want - would you want to? At that point, no, I would not "want" to. I'd probably only want to throw a few really big boots at his head.

Which is sunshine and rainbows compared to what I would "want" to do if it continued after the fact. The sheer physical emotion something like this creates is so powerful and so consuming, there's no telling what would happen. When children are involved, it makes it even worse. It's easy to say, without children, I'd walk. And I would. I'd simply make that a rule from the beginning so I didn't have to think about it when/if the time came. But throw kids in to the mix and it makes everything more difficult. This piece of the scenario - not cool and not worth it. So, no. This piece gets a definite "no."

And just because I'm already putting way more out there than I am really comfortable, I'll go a step further and add that I think there are different types of cheating, different "degrees," if you will. And aside from those relationships that are "open" (I'm kind of getting tired of quotation marks, by the way), I think all lead to destruction, mistrust, and a breakdown of the basics of a relationship. Staying means working your ass off to build that back up. Staying, I think, is harder than walking away. Staying, regardless of the type of cheating, takes a whole lot of guts and strength. And, in some cases, I just really don't think I have that much.

In the same vein, I think you can't possibly know how you would react, because really, who in their mind "sets out" to cheat in the first place? Everyone says, "I would never cheat." They don't know that. Just as you can't know how you'll feel when someone does.

(Call me a hypocrite all you want. But people grow and people change and people can learn and gain new perspective. That's all I'm sayin'.)